The Deeper Me

I have always known I was different. Maybe a bit more guarded. I am a complicated person. I build walls around my heart and myself to avoid getting hurt....again. I think differently. I feel deeply about everything. I wear all my emotions right out for people to see, but I never tell people the real things about me. The deeper things. The things that would allow them to hurt me.

My mama used to tell me, "Sabrina Lynn, You wear your heart on your sleeve like a badge for the whole world to see. But when you stick your heart out there; where people can touch and feel it, its bound to get broken." These days, I watch my son do the same thing. The physical pain of watching him risk his heart....it brings me to my knees. Now, I know how she felt. How it was watching your child so different from everyone else, go into the world.

Everytime I have ever had my IQ tested, the lowest I tested was 142. Amazing since I have a reading disability. But I never failed English. Not once in my life. I would get on papers everytime A for Content and a D or F for spelling and grammer. Mrs. Burke, My 12th grade english teacher and my American Novel teacher, told me one time..."You have such creative ideas, pet. Now if you could just learn to spell them correctly." I can read the same passage as everyone else and find 10 things in it that everyone else missed. My whole life, I have never really had to try hard to do well. But it is like my brain never shuts off. And when I am not learning actively, I go into emotional overload.

My biggest fault and the best thing about me, I always think I am right. Always. And I never change my position even when I am wrong. When I stand up for people though, I do the same thing. I never turn my back on someone.

I have a theory about life. IF you go into the world and look for the bad in people...you will ALWAYS find it. But by the same token. If you go into the world and seek out the good in people...you will ALWAYS find it. We see in people what we want to see. Not what is really there. Because if we are honest with ourselves, every person is both good and bad. Which do you want to focus on?

I do not have a lot of friends. Well, that is not excatly true. Every friend I have made in my life...was the lifetime type of friend. Meaning, I can go months or years without seeing them. But when I do talk to them...it is as though we were never apart.

Mr Bennet, my 8th grade english teacher taught me what the defintion of a friend is. He said, "A friend is when you love someone, care about them, wish only good things for them. And then if you go away for 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years...when you see them again, its as though you never left them. You still love them, care for them and wish them only good things. And in your life, you will only have 3 to 5 real friends."

Mr Bennet was wrong for me. I have lived in so many places. Most places I have lived, I had at least one of those friends. In college, I had several all at once.

I guess what I should say is, I am not like most females. Females as a whole, do not like to be told the honest truth. They seek out the truth, but would rather not know. I tend to tell people what I really think without sugar coating it. Maybe that is why in my life, I have had more male friends then female friends. Many more male friends then female friends.

My husband laughs. Last night, we had this long discussion on being alone in the world. Since my mom died, 5 years ago this year, I have been alone. I have stopped letting people get close enough to hurt me. Brian lucked out. I knew him before my mom died. And he was already my best friend before that happened. But unconciously, I stopped making those "best friends" at that point in my life. I am involved in all these types of organizations IRL, and online boards for parents, and even local boards on occassion...but I stopped letting people get to that deeper me. So, I stopped making that one very best friend whereever I went. And now, I barely have acquantances. But I just do not know how to open my heart back up and let people in.

I have always been a fairly active person. I tend to not just join in, but take over. Again, that is part of my personality. I am a driven person. Sometimes, I feel like there are so many mask to hide behind. I just get lost in the going from one to the next. Lately, I just feel like I never get to be just me. And the more I search for "just me", the further I get from happiness. Existing in a numb state is so much easier, then forcing yourself to deal with 1000 emotions at once. Do not get me wrong. They are not all bad emotions. But it is overwhelming none the less.

It is easier, just to be a mom. Just to be a wife. It is easier for others to see that me, rather then seek out who I really am. If only I could figure out a way to be me, without showing the world who I really am with all the emotions that go with it.

Trash on TV

I have to admit from the onset that one of my favorite shows is Overhaulin. But I do not consider it like the rest of these stupid reality tv shows. These shows do little more then show the worst side of human beings. It makes me sick.

One of the big news storys this week was Fox pulling a reality TV show about an adopted girl finding her father. The twist being that she chooses him out of like several men.

The first season of survivor, the show played on the emotions of the women missing her children. Granted, it was her choice to go on this stupid show. But we have taken this too far as a society. I realize people watch these shows. It still makes me sick. I am dissapointed in family members and friends who would watch these trashy tv shows. Shows that just further degrade fellow human beings for profit.

I do understand people volunteer to go on these shows. But Why? I just really do not understand the thinking behind someone going on one of these shows. Win a lot of money? hmm..work hard. Earn your money. You are earning the millions by selling your pride by going on one of these shows.

Survivor, Big Brother, The biggest loser, Who wants to Marry a millionare, The bachelor, etc... These shows are a sad statement about what has become our normal society and culture in america. You can make a million too. All you have to do is degrade yourself to do it. Sad.

A Strange Thing Happened Yesterday.....

Not that strange things do not often happen to me, But I got an email from someone I did not know. Well, they never really identified who they were. They just ask me "What happened to Auggie?" and "How come the telnet is not working?"

So, I emailed them back and told them what I knew. That the computer was having problems that auggie ran on. And as far as I knew it was gone forever. Sad, but true. I told them where to go to find the "angst" group at Eagles Nest and how several of the parents from the site have formed there own web based board.

But, It got me thinking and created something more. A place where there could maybe be updates on those old members. I keep in touch with a few, I know Jen keeps in touch with a few others. Others too who come and go keep in touch with some people but have lost touch with others.

A few months ago I ran into a old auggie person on a conservative online board before the election. She was one of the few females I got along with pretty well, who did not go to my college.

I met Brian online and while we ran in the same circle of people on the BBS, we each went to school with a different group. Leading to even now, keeping in touch here or there with several people.

My idea is a blog of updates on all those long lost people. Hopefully, Andrea and Jen will help me. They both met thier spouses on auggie too.

Maybe someone will be able to find out what is going on with MJ and King and how they are adjusting to life with 2. And I really am interested to find out if Julie had her baby and how she is doing. Julie is the dragon mommy after all.

I wonder if Leo would kill me If I updated everyone on his life? hmmm....I will have to msg him and I will have to bug Karla to write something about her own life right now that I can update people on. She is afterall, making a great fresh start. I am sure people would love to send some positive vibes her way. I really miss her. I hope she does get to come visit me soon. Nobody else would swear I got them drunk then made them walk 30 miles. Of course it was a whole 30 feet from the party to my dorm room. But hey, what do drunk college students know right?

How many people have gone astray....some, they wanted to just disappear. But they never really did. Because they reached out and touched our lives. When someone changes your life, you just dont forget about them.

Sick Germs

The germs have invaded our house. We are all sick with a cough and cold. My son has a sinus infection and will probably have to have his adnoids out. And my youngest has an ear infection. Arn't secondary infections a wonderful thing?

No matter what we do, It is like we can not avoid the germs. The auto-immune drugs promise I will get sick. By the time it is done, everyone has had it and I have had it twice.

Germs Germs, go away. Dont ever come back my way. :)

A Few Abortion Statistics

# In 54 countries abortions are legal.
# In 97 countries abortions are illegal.

Nearly half of all abortions are obtained by women who have already had at least one abortion. In 1994 and 1995, women who had already had 3 or more abortions obtained 7%, or nearly 100,000, abortions each year.

According to a USA Today, CNN Gallup Poll in May, 1999 - 16% of Americans believe abortion should be legal for any reason at any time during pregnancy and 55% of American believe abortion should be legal only to save the life of the mother or in cases of rape or incest.

Also...A June 1999 Wirthlin poll found that 62% of Americans support legal abortion in only three or fewer circumstances: when the pregnancy results from rape or incest or when it threatens the life of the mother.

In a study in NY State. women who had an abortion vs women who had a live birth previously, were 3 times more likely to have labor complications. They were.. 1.5 times more likely to experiance a newborn death. And almost 1.7 times more likely to have a miscarriage later on.

The vast majority of all abortions performed today are done for social, not medical reasons -- because a woman doesn’t feel ready for a baby at the time, because her partner wants her to have an abortion, etc. Approximately 93% of all induced abortions are done for elective, non-medical reasons such as these.

Abortion ends a pregnancy by destroying and removing the developing child. That baby’s heart has already begun to beat by the time the mother misses her period and begins to wonder if she might be pregnant (about 31 days after the mother’s last menstrual period or LMP). Surgical abortions are usually not performed before seven weeks, or 49 days LMP. By that time, the baby has identifiable arms and legs (day 45) and displays measurable brain waves (about 40 days). During the seventh through the tenth weeks, when the majority of abortions are performed, fingers and genitals appear and the child’s face is recognizably human.

There is strong evidence that abortion increases the risk of breast cancer. A study of more than 1,800 women appearing in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute in 1994 found that overall, women having abortions increased their risk of getting breast cancer before age 45 by 50%. For women under 18 with no previous pregnancies, having an abortion after the 8th week increased the risk of breast cancer 800%. Women with a family history of breast cancer fared even worse. All 12 women participating in the study who had abortions before 18 and had a family history of breast cancer themselves got cancer before age 45

In September 1995 Louisiana became the first U.S. state to require abortion clinics to inform potential patients that induced abortions may increase breast cancer risk. In no other state (or in Canada) are women warned that there is even a possibility of a link between abortion and cancer.

Over 200 women have died from legal abortions since 1973.