One of the debate forums I frequent there has been ongoing debate on a girl who wanted to wear a tux for her senior picture. The school said she could not appear in the year book in a tux. The article wants it seem like she is being discriminated against because she is a lesbian. Regardless of her sexual orientation, What about traditions? Have we as a society seen so little good come from them, that we easily are willing to push them aside in favor of the wants of one person?
In the High school I went to this never would of been tolerated. Each year in this public high school, the graduating classes class composite is hung on the wall. The males in tux's and then women in robes. On the walls of the school hangs a picture from every year the school has been open. Even before it was the school it now stands as and was instead the school that this one evolved into. My high school was a public works project during the great depression. We are talking about 80 years of class composites with each persons formal picture for graduation. Even if you do not buy pictures, you have to go to a private place of the schools choosing to get your picture done for yearbook and this picture.
There is a compromise here. But this young women is unwilling to compromise. The school should be allowed to set how it wants the pictures done for the yearbook. However, this young women does not have to pose. She can refuse to be in the yearbook. She could have the drape done and then have her own private pictures done elsewhere. Or...how many places do not let you do multiple clothing changes for your senior setting? She could of only bought the pictures she wanted. But were any of those options considered?
The ruling is it is up to the principal of the school to decide.
In my life, the best parts of my life all revolve around tradition. Knowing that my picture hangs on the wall of the high school I graduated from. As well as my moms in the class of 1972. My Dad's in the class of 1966. My sisters, my cousins, my aunts and my uncles, even my grandmothers and her brothers and sisters. I have a sense of belonging from that. That I am part of something greater.
That has happened other times in my life too as I was able to partake in long standing traditions. I went to an all womens private college. One of the traditions there is the tradition of big sisters and little sisters. Big sisters (juniors) adopt 1 or more little sisters (freshman). They serve as a guide, friend, and advisor to the freshman. But part of the long standing tradition that goes with this is so much more. The 3rd night at college, the big sisters tuck thier little sisters into bed. The sophomores and the seniors wait outside in the pergola. And then the juniors go and wake thier "little sisters" up at 1 am. With all the "upper classman" wearing thier class beanie. We drag them out to the pergola. There we sing the nun song and our alma mata. We then cheer for our dorms and then drag them to the cafeteria (not really drag...by this time they are more then happy to be part of this long standing tradition) ..to serve them donuts and juice. To tell them about the traditions of the school. To answer questions they have. To introduce them to other people they may not yet know. To welcome them...and show them we are there to help them.
A few days later we give the freshman thier beanies at a big sister/little sister picnic. We teach them those songs. They will need them. After the picnic...any senior can show you her class ring (a special pinkie ring with a blue or black stone and an "H" on it) and the freshman around must sing the song of her choosing. Do freshman hate this? Do they feel tortured? No. You sing with pride...because you are part now of something bigger.
My freshman year....just days after we learned the songs. In the middle of the night some guy staying in the dorm walked out a fire door. At 2 am we stood in the quad waiting for the dorm to be checked out. It was a weekend and men were in the dorm. It was extremly uncomfortable for us, as freshman. We were not yet used to standing around in our bed clothes when men were in the dorm. One of the seniors came over and flashed her ring. At 2 am, we sang the nun song so loud we woke up people in every dorm. It is one of my very best memories of college. I look back at it with pride.
I did choose a college filled with tradition because traditions mean so much to me. I keep my own family traditions. I am part of a church with long standing traditions. I believe in tradition. I believe in belonging and taking pride in something that is bigger then just me. What a gift to be part of that.
And if you do not like traditions...you can always choose not to participate rather then trying to spoil others love for the traditions they choose to take pride in. Since when is the want of one greater then the rights of the rest?
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
Lent, Easter and Pentecost
As I have grown deeper in my faith I am often still struck by the fact that non-Christians think that Christmas is the biggest day of the "church year." And how people rejoice in the birth....yet, the stronger I grow in my faith....I realize the birth means little without the death of the Savior.
I just always feel so overwhelmed by the sacrifice Jesus made for us. All of us. Yesterday, I went to choir with a very heavy and issue laden heart. It has been a little stressful lately. The kids are sick, my sister is really worrying me, birthdays, and brian covering more shifts then I care to think about because of sick employees. But when I went in there..and we started singing some of the songs we are singing for this holiday season...I just felt those cares being lifted away. One by one until when I left...after cake to celebrate my birthday with the choir....I sat in my car and cried. Because God is so great. That He cares so much about me, He took my cares one by one and lifted them away.
And the more I thought about it, that is what this season is about. Jesus coming to take each of our sins and lift them from us. Giving His own life in exchange for them.
One of the songs we are singing....I have a story. and now everytime I sing this song....this story resounds in my mind. Our preacher...is also our choir director. He studyed music. He has the most amazing voice. He traveled to the holy land. And while he was there...One of the places he and his wife went to...was this cave like area where Jesus would of "stood trial"....they would take and lower him down into this little area between questioning. In that little cave....there is a shadow on the wall. A shadow of a person kneeling with thier arms outstretched. They have tried for centurys to scrub from the wall that holy image. It remains. When they were touring...The guide ask Jim (our preacher) what song He could sing in that room. He sang this song we are singing.
The song is called "In this very room". The song has 3 parts. The first is...in this very room there is quite enough love for one like me. the 2nd is ...in this very room there is quite enough love for all of us...and last in this very room there is quite enough love for the world. In that very room, Christ prepared to to die for us. The love for us, His followers. He prepared to give His life for ours so that we may never die and have ever lasting life.
Matthew 18:20. ‘Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.’
I always feel touched so much deeper on Easter then at Christmas. We are in the season of Lent. I always think of Lent as the preperation. At Christmas to prepare for Christ coming...we hang the greens and celebrate. But at Easter...when we are talking about preparing for Christ coming...first we must suffer through the loss of His death. And to me...that is why Lent is a time of reflection. When I leave Ash Wednesday Services I always feel overwhelmed with Death on the cross coming. By Maundy Thursday when we prepare to celebrate the feast in the upper room, I feel the Confusion the disciples surely felt. By Good Friday, my heart aches for the significance of the loss. And by Easter Morning as I awake to the sunrise, I understand that I will never love as deeply as God loves. By Pentecost I think most of the world is getting back to thier lives, But then I am reminded again...Now, I must be Jesus Disciple, because He has revealed to me His love.
In the Methodist Church, Christ is never on the Cross. The church's feeling about this is....We serve a risen King. But one of the things we do on Maundy Thursday...We have a large wooden cross that stands in our sactuary during this time of year. After we participate in the feast....We take our names and write them on a piece of paper. Then....we nail them to the cross. We promise to hang with Christ on that cross by giving Him our lives to serve Him.
And all I kept thinking about last night...Here I am promising to give my life to God and to His only son Jesus Christ....and here He is...lifting my cares from my heart. Surely, I do not deserve such love. Surely, He knows I am not worthy..and yet, He loves me just the same. He cares about each of those little things weighing on my heart, in my insignificant life. But to Him, no life is insignificant.
My sister said something that broke my heart this week. She is getting worn down. She said, she thinks that when her son turns 18...she will die. She is hurting so bad. But this week ....through all that...she said..."God does not love me." And that was one of the things weighing on my heart. But He does love her. I do not know how I can show her it is true. But my heart aches for what she is missing out on right now. I feel so lucky to have this...and I feel so sad that she can not see that she is truely loved. And even in this...God conforted me. I do not know what the answer is, but I know she is the first person I need to show God's love to right now. Not the love of a sister...but a sister of Christ.
I just always feel so overwhelmed by the sacrifice Jesus made for us. All of us. Yesterday, I went to choir with a very heavy and issue laden heart. It has been a little stressful lately. The kids are sick, my sister is really worrying me, birthdays, and brian covering more shifts then I care to think about because of sick employees. But when I went in there..and we started singing some of the songs we are singing for this holiday season...I just felt those cares being lifted away. One by one until when I left...after cake to celebrate my birthday with the choir....I sat in my car and cried. Because God is so great. That He cares so much about me, He took my cares one by one and lifted them away.
And the more I thought about it, that is what this season is about. Jesus coming to take each of our sins and lift them from us. Giving His own life in exchange for them.
One of the songs we are singing....I have a story. and now everytime I sing this song....this story resounds in my mind. Our preacher...is also our choir director. He studyed music. He has the most amazing voice. He traveled to the holy land. And while he was there...One of the places he and his wife went to...was this cave like area where Jesus would of "stood trial"....they would take and lower him down into this little area between questioning. In that little cave....there is a shadow on the wall. A shadow of a person kneeling with thier arms outstretched. They have tried for centurys to scrub from the wall that holy image. It remains. When they were touring...The guide ask Jim (our preacher) what song He could sing in that room. He sang this song we are singing.
The song is called "In this very room". The song has 3 parts. The first is...in this very room there is quite enough love for one like me. the 2nd is ...in this very room there is quite enough love for all of us...and last in this very room there is quite enough love for the world. In that very room, Christ prepared to to die for us. The love for us, His followers. He prepared to give His life for ours so that we may never die and have ever lasting life.
“In this very room there’s quite enough love for one like me and in this very
room there is quite enough joy for one like me and there is quite enough hope
and quite enough power to chase away any gloom,
For Jesus, Lord Jesus is in
this very room."
Matthew 18:20. ‘Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.’
I always feel touched so much deeper on Easter then at Christmas. We are in the season of Lent. I always think of Lent as the preperation. At Christmas to prepare for Christ coming...we hang the greens and celebrate. But at Easter...when we are talking about preparing for Christ coming...first we must suffer through the loss of His death. And to me...that is why Lent is a time of reflection. When I leave Ash Wednesday Services I always feel overwhelmed with Death on the cross coming. By Maundy Thursday when we prepare to celebrate the feast in the upper room, I feel the Confusion the disciples surely felt. By Good Friday, my heart aches for the significance of the loss. And by Easter Morning as I awake to the sunrise, I understand that I will never love as deeply as God loves. By Pentecost I think most of the world is getting back to thier lives, But then I am reminded again...Now, I must be Jesus Disciple, because He has revealed to me His love.
In the Methodist Church, Christ is never on the Cross. The church's feeling about this is....We serve a risen King. But one of the things we do on Maundy Thursday...We have a large wooden cross that stands in our sactuary during this time of year. After we participate in the feast....We take our names and write them on a piece of paper. Then....we nail them to the cross. We promise to hang with Christ on that cross by giving Him our lives to serve Him.
And all I kept thinking about last night...Here I am promising to give my life to God and to His only son Jesus Christ....and here He is...lifting my cares from my heart. Surely, I do not deserve such love. Surely, He knows I am not worthy..and yet, He loves me just the same. He cares about each of those little things weighing on my heart, in my insignificant life. But to Him, no life is insignificant.
My sister said something that broke my heart this week. She is getting worn down. She said, she thinks that when her son turns 18...she will die. She is hurting so bad. But this week ....through all that...she said..."God does not love me." And that was one of the things weighing on my heart. But He does love her. I do not know how I can show her it is true. But my heart aches for what she is missing out on right now. I feel so lucky to have this...and I feel so sad that she can not see that she is truely loved. And even in this...God conforted me. I do not know what the answer is, but I know she is the first person I need to show God's love to right now. Not the love of a sister...but a sister of Christ.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Sick Children, Sisters, and Birthday Cakes
The kids have been sick going on like the third week. It is not really that my kids get sick more then other kids...its just....by the time I get one better.....another one is sick. So, I am in this continueal cycle right now of caring for sick children. If this flu bug does not leave my house soon, I am going to have a nervous breakdown.
And when one child is better, since they spent the whole time sick asleep in my arms...they now feel the need to touch me constantly. Only problem is, the next sick child is in my arms at this point and does not want to share me with anyone because that child is now sick. I am on the 3rd sick child by the way. The other two are now better for the most park. Minimal lingering runny noses. But In the past 3 weeks almost 19 days....I have not slept 5 hours in any one night. And I have not slept more then 3 hours straight since then. I thought this stage was over.
There is a reason most people have children in thier early 20's. As I get older, this is a lot harder to function on such minimal sleep. And although I am so tired, I can not sleep. I am overtired.
I am a little worried too. I have a younger sister that I love more then anything in this world. We did not have much of anything growing up, but we always had each other. For a while, right before our mom died...we had drifted apart. And then when mom died...it tore us apart even more. The last few years we have been trying to rebuild what was lost. And now, we are each others best friend. Today, we spent an hour and a half on the phone. Just talking.
I wish I could just tell her what I wish for her. But you know, I learned a long time ago that with younger sisters, you have to wait for them to want your help. So, I just reassure her. I tell her I love her. I tell her she always has me to run to. I tell her whatever she needs, I will help.
I wish she saw in herself what I see in her. And I wish the world could see what I know is inside her. We are only 16 months apart. We have lived in many many states. Everytime we moved though, we had each other. A built in best friend. We are as different as night and day. But I believe in her and know she is a good person.
So, my birthday is in a few days. I told my husband there better be birthday cake and presents. ha ha. He keeps making jokes about having to go to several stores to buy enough candles. It is a good thing I love the man. My wish list includes one of the following; A day at the local spa-full package, a new printer-scanner-copier all in one, or a new radio with cd player for my car.
Tomorrow I think I will suggest to my husband he buys one of the cheap small cakes for my birthday. IT is big enough for the 5 of us, and that is all that will be celebrating my birthday. And since we will be having Dora Cake next week when our "baby" turns 2. Her and I's birthdays are only 5 days apart. But it is important to me that we seperate the two and she has her very own special party/day.
In fact, on the Sunday before she was born. (she was born on a monday).... My husband and I went to see The Two Towers. Then, We came home to a suprise birthday party for me. All through the movies and the party I was having contractions. That night I only slept about 1 hour. My contractions were prolonged because I always give birth sunny side up. That means head down but facing forward instead of backwards. It makes for longer drawn out pre-birthing stage. Anyway....By morning, the day after my party, I was ready to have some breakfast and head to the hospital to have my little girl. My water broke about 9:30 am. The contractions got really regular about 1. at 3 they gave me IV drugs and I went to sleep. At 4:40 I jumped out of bed and said..."ok, its time to push now." My midwife checked me and said I could birth standing up or lieing down. But she really prefered if I lied down. One push and my bueatiful baby girl was born.
God's little reminder to me how wonderful life is. I can not believe my last baby is turning 2. I do not have any babies anymore. I will never hold another new baby to my breast. I will never again feel the milk let down and the fullness subside. I will never again work through the labor and know that the pain may be intense now, but soon I will hold a new life. I will never again watch daily to see if my baby smiles at me or wonder if its just gas.
The day after my 3rd was born, I had a tubal. It was the right decision for my body because of the Rheamatoid. My Mind knows it was the ONLY choice. My heart will never be sure if it was the right choice. IT will probably always long to be a mother again. To feel once again my heart begin in piece to walk around outside my body. To feel the fear of leaving my child behind the first time. To walk behind an infant taking thier first steps with a pillow and outstretched arms...just in case they fall. To lay down with a nursing infant....and have them pull from the breast to talk to you in thier own "special language." To lay there and smile and nod and agree with whatever thier baby babble was. To see them fall asleep at the breast in the middle of the night and watch the milk they were holding in thier mouth dribble down. A look of total contentment.
As my baby leaves behind her baby ways, and has become a full on toddler...I am sad for all those days I will never see again. I am anxious for what is to come. And life is easier now with no babies. Back when she was born and we had 3 in diapers....Just thinking about it makes me shake. But now, with only 1 in diapers...and she almost ready to potty train....I guess I am a little sad for those days we will not ever see again.
Of all the things I have done in my life, being a mother is the thing I am most proud of. I love my children so much. They are my whole life. I do not have to stay home with them, I just could not imagine tearing myself away from them to go to work one minute. I can not imagine missing one minute of thier lives.
I have this rule. Everyday, I hug and/or kiss my kids 100 times each. EVERYDAY! And I have done it since they were born. We spend a lot of time hugging and giving kisses in this house. But when I fall into bed exhausted at night, even if it is only to sleep 3 hours....I am so thankful everyday for those three tiny persons. I thank God everyday for them. For giving me the chance to be thier mother. I can not think what I ever did so right, to deserve to be thier mother.
My son and my oldest, oh...He is so sensitive and caring. His heart is so big and his love is so deep. He is a caring, smart, sensitive child. He wears all his emotions right out for you touch, but the love he gives. Wow. So deep and it runs so very true. His love is not like a river, it is more like an ocean. Sometimes it just washes over you. He is more sensitive to others feelings, then most adults I have met in my life. He has such an artistic talent and is so creative.
My oldest daughter and our middle child. I admire her so much. She is strong, smart, indepedent, self assured, happy all the time, and extremly easy going. Nothing gets her down. She is confident enough in her self, that she never follows the crowd. She has no problem carving her own path, when none exist. I admire the strength I see in her. And yet, it would tear her heart apart to think she ever hurt anyone.
My youngest daughter, the baby of the family, is our lovebug. She wants to make everyone better. She is a mediator and a hugger. She is extremly stubborn. I am not sure if its because she is the baby and has to be to get her way once in a while or because it is just her personality. She stands up for herself. She does not let her brother and sister bully her around. Yet, she is always quick to laugh. When one of her siblings crys, she is the first one to kiss it better. And although she always has her brother and sister, she is so content to just be alone and play by herself.
What mother could ask for more then what I have? When my heart starts to want, I ask myself that often. I really already have more then any person deserves. People stop me in stores to tell me how well my children behave. They stop me in church to compliment me on how confident they are and how well they pay attention. I have a hard time believing it is anything I have done though. They just truely are amazing individuals. I know in my heart one day, they are going to be adults I admire.
I am so lucky. Our children btw...oldest to youngest is 3 years and 2 months apart. They are 17 months between 1 and 2 and 21 months between 2 and 3. My sister joked this morning...Dang...shouldn't you guys be having another kid about now? (big sighs here) Nope. No more babies for us.
***Just a small remembrance here too....to my 3 children who never got to breathe the air of the earth on thier own. I will forever love all 6 of my children. You will always be in my heart.
And when one child is better, since they spent the whole time sick asleep in my arms...they now feel the need to touch me constantly. Only problem is, the next sick child is in my arms at this point and does not want to share me with anyone because that child is now sick. I am on the 3rd sick child by the way. The other two are now better for the most park. Minimal lingering runny noses. But In the past 3 weeks almost 19 days....I have not slept 5 hours in any one night. And I have not slept more then 3 hours straight since then. I thought this stage was over.
There is a reason most people have children in thier early 20's. As I get older, this is a lot harder to function on such minimal sleep. And although I am so tired, I can not sleep. I am overtired.
I am a little worried too. I have a younger sister that I love more then anything in this world. We did not have much of anything growing up, but we always had each other. For a while, right before our mom died...we had drifted apart. And then when mom died...it tore us apart even more. The last few years we have been trying to rebuild what was lost. And now, we are each others best friend. Today, we spent an hour and a half on the phone. Just talking.
I wish I could just tell her what I wish for her. But you know, I learned a long time ago that with younger sisters, you have to wait for them to want your help. So, I just reassure her. I tell her I love her. I tell her she always has me to run to. I tell her whatever she needs, I will help.
I wish she saw in herself what I see in her. And I wish the world could see what I know is inside her. We are only 16 months apart. We have lived in many many states. Everytime we moved though, we had each other. A built in best friend. We are as different as night and day. But I believe in her and know she is a good person.
So, my birthday is in a few days. I told my husband there better be birthday cake and presents. ha ha. He keeps making jokes about having to go to several stores to buy enough candles. It is a good thing I love the man. My wish list includes one of the following; A day at the local spa-full package, a new printer-scanner-copier all in one, or a new radio with cd player for my car.
Tomorrow I think I will suggest to my husband he buys one of the cheap small cakes for my birthday. IT is big enough for the 5 of us, and that is all that will be celebrating my birthday. And since we will be having Dora Cake next week when our "baby" turns 2. Her and I's birthdays are only 5 days apart. But it is important to me that we seperate the two and she has her very own special party/day.
In fact, on the Sunday before she was born. (she was born on a monday).... My husband and I went to see The Two Towers. Then, We came home to a suprise birthday party for me. All through the movies and the party I was having contractions. That night I only slept about 1 hour. My contractions were prolonged because I always give birth sunny side up. That means head down but facing forward instead of backwards. It makes for longer drawn out pre-birthing stage. Anyway....By morning, the day after my party, I was ready to have some breakfast and head to the hospital to have my little girl. My water broke about 9:30 am. The contractions got really regular about 1. at 3 they gave me IV drugs and I went to sleep. At 4:40 I jumped out of bed and said..."ok, its time to push now." My midwife checked me and said I could birth standing up or lieing down. But she really prefered if I lied down. One push and my bueatiful baby girl was born.
God's little reminder to me how wonderful life is. I can not believe my last baby is turning 2. I do not have any babies anymore. I will never hold another new baby to my breast. I will never again feel the milk let down and the fullness subside. I will never again work through the labor and know that the pain may be intense now, but soon I will hold a new life. I will never again watch daily to see if my baby smiles at me or wonder if its just gas.
The day after my 3rd was born, I had a tubal. It was the right decision for my body because of the Rheamatoid. My Mind knows it was the ONLY choice. My heart will never be sure if it was the right choice. IT will probably always long to be a mother again. To feel once again my heart begin in piece to walk around outside my body. To feel the fear of leaving my child behind the first time. To walk behind an infant taking thier first steps with a pillow and outstretched arms...just in case they fall. To lay down with a nursing infant....and have them pull from the breast to talk to you in thier own "special language." To lay there and smile and nod and agree with whatever thier baby babble was. To see them fall asleep at the breast in the middle of the night and watch the milk they were holding in thier mouth dribble down. A look of total contentment.
As my baby leaves behind her baby ways, and has become a full on toddler...I am sad for all those days I will never see again. I am anxious for what is to come. And life is easier now with no babies. Back when she was born and we had 3 in diapers....Just thinking about it makes me shake. But now, with only 1 in diapers...and she almost ready to potty train....I guess I am a little sad for those days we will not ever see again.
Of all the things I have done in my life, being a mother is the thing I am most proud of. I love my children so much. They are my whole life. I do not have to stay home with them, I just could not imagine tearing myself away from them to go to work one minute. I can not imagine missing one minute of thier lives.
I have this rule. Everyday, I hug and/or kiss my kids 100 times each. EVERYDAY! And I have done it since they were born. We spend a lot of time hugging and giving kisses in this house. But when I fall into bed exhausted at night, even if it is only to sleep 3 hours....I am so thankful everyday for those three tiny persons. I thank God everyday for them. For giving me the chance to be thier mother. I can not think what I ever did so right, to deserve to be thier mother.
My son and my oldest, oh...He is so sensitive and caring. His heart is so big and his love is so deep. He is a caring, smart, sensitive child. He wears all his emotions right out for you touch, but the love he gives. Wow. So deep and it runs so very true. His love is not like a river, it is more like an ocean. Sometimes it just washes over you. He is more sensitive to others feelings, then most adults I have met in my life. He has such an artistic talent and is so creative.
My oldest daughter and our middle child. I admire her so much. She is strong, smart, indepedent, self assured, happy all the time, and extremly easy going. Nothing gets her down. She is confident enough in her self, that she never follows the crowd. She has no problem carving her own path, when none exist. I admire the strength I see in her. And yet, it would tear her heart apart to think she ever hurt anyone.
My youngest daughter, the baby of the family, is our lovebug. She wants to make everyone better. She is a mediator and a hugger. She is extremly stubborn. I am not sure if its because she is the baby and has to be to get her way once in a while or because it is just her personality. She stands up for herself. She does not let her brother and sister bully her around. Yet, she is always quick to laugh. When one of her siblings crys, she is the first one to kiss it better. And although she always has her brother and sister, she is so content to just be alone and play by herself.
What mother could ask for more then what I have? When my heart starts to want, I ask myself that often. I really already have more then any person deserves. People stop me in stores to tell me how well my children behave. They stop me in church to compliment me on how confident they are and how well they pay attention. I have a hard time believing it is anything I have done though. They just truely are amazing individuals. I know in my heart one day, they are going to be adults I admire.
I am so lucky. Our children btw...oldest to youngest is 3 years and 2 months apart. They are 17 months between 1 and 2 and 21 months between 2 and 3. My sister joked this morning...Dang...shouldn't you guys be having another kid about now? (big sighs here) Nope. No more babies for us.
***Just a small remembrance here too....to my 3 children who never got to breathe the air of the earth on thier own. I will forever love all 6 of my children. You will always be in my heart.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Being a daughter without a Mother
Its funny. Not in a ha ha kind of way. But in an Ironic kind of way. This august, my mom will have been dead for 10 years. 10 years that seems almost like a lifetime. Its just alittle under 1/3 of my life. 10/32nds. I miss her.
Maybe it is just because my birthday is coming up. My birthday is always hard without her. But, she has been on my mind a lot this week. Little things that remind me of her. Little things that touch me and make me remember her.
Today, I was on a board I post on. And they asked what question describes you. Well, That is easy. Slow dancing with the Moon by Dolly Parton. That song is so me. Its actually a little scary. But the thing is, As I was copying the the lyrics...Another song caught my eye. It is the song that reminds me of her.
I can not believe she would be 50 now. She will forever be frozen in my mind at 41. The last week, I have been having some anxiety attacks. At least, they cant find any other cause. I do not want to die at 41. I want to live to see my children grow into adults and have children. I do not want to miss my grandchildren's births. I do not want to miss my children's weddings. I want to be there. I do not want them to hurt the way I have hurt.
I wish I had her just to talk to sometimes. I am sure after I get past my birthday it will go back to a dull pain instead of searing tear your heart out and do a dance on it pain. Too bad, birthdays happen every year.
Maybe it is just because my birthday is coming up. My birthday is always hard without her. But, she has been on my mind a lot this week. Little things that remind me of her. Little things that touch me and make me remember her.
Today, I was on a board I post on. And they asked what question describes you. Well, That is easy. Slow dancing with the Moon by Dolly Parton. That song is so me. Its actually a little scary. But the thing is, As I was copying the the lyrics...Another song caught my eye. It is the song that reminds me of her.
Eagle When She Flies
She's been there, god knows, she's been there
She has seen and done it all
She's a woman, she know how to
Dish it out or take it all
Her heart's as soft as feathers
Still she weathers stormy skies
And she's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies
A kaleidoscope of colors
You can toss her around and round
You can keep her in you vision
But you'll never keep her down
She's a lover, she's a mother
She's a friend and she's a wife
And she's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies
Gentle as the sweet magnolia
Strong as steel, her faith and pride
She's an everlasting shoulder
She's the leaning post of life
She hurts deep and when she weeps
She's just as fragile as a child
And she's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies
She's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies
Oh, bless her, lord
She's an eagle when she flies
I can not believe she would be 50 now. She will forever be frozen in my mind at 41. The last week, I have been having some anxiety attacks. At least, they cant find any other cause. I do not want to die at 41. I want to live to see my children grow into adults and have children. I do not want to miss my grandchildren's births. I do not want to miss my children's weddings. I want to be there. I do not want them to hurt the way I have hurt.
I wish I had her just to talk to sometimes. I am sure after I get past my birthday it will go back to a dull pain instead of searing tear your heart out and do a dance on it pain. Too bad, birthdays happen every year.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
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