Evil Movie People - Class Action (2005)

They are filming a movie for the next two weeks here in my little town in southern New Mexico. They are here because of the mines. These people have just been wicked.

We personally have had to deal with several of them. And they have not been nice people. The lady who was suppose to organize the rooms for the "crew" has been fooling around and them blaming everyone else for her not doing her job.

She has called us at home several times to complain. This morning she got upset because my husband was not available to fix her little problem, she should of taken care of 3 months ago, because he went to church. Imagine. Gasp. Shock. What the heck does she think you are suppose to do on sunday mornings? I do not know where she comes from, but that is where you will find us if you need to on Sunday morning. Church. And actually, most of sunday afternoon as well if you are looking for me. I am the co-youth group director for my church.

Last thursday was my youngest 2nd birthday. Because of these movie people, we ended up not canceling her birthday party one time...but twice. And then, we ended up having cake with her about falling asleep in it late saturday night. These people think we should put our lives on hold and bow down to thier every need. They want everyone available to them in a moments notice.

Tonight, some guy knocks on my door at 9:30 pm...to ask who lives here. And then he goes on to explain he is from the movie company and that he wanted to know if we owned or rented. I mean, ARGH. We live on property because...gasp...suprise...my husband is the General Manager for the two propertys. Who the heck knocks on a strangers door at 9:30 at night!!! Freaking Insane people. My youngest daughter is screaming because she wants her daddy, who is at the hotel trying to check in these movie people. I feel like just banging my head against a wall here.

These people are not treating the citizens of this town with respect. They are treating us like little nobodys who should worship them because they are Hollywood. I am mad and frustrated. The stars are not even staying here. They are secluded away in another location. This is just the crew. And the worst part...all this over the last week....They did not even check in until tonight.
The people in town were so excited...I have heard more complaints about all this then I care to think about today. Our preacher suggested next time, they want to get a hold of us on a sunday morning, they join us for church.

Jesus and Political Partys

There is some wacko website out there called Jesus is a liberal dot com. If you are really seeking to know God...do not go to this website. Go to the Bible.

Jesus was not of political party. In fact, he felt that people should follow thier government but that you should give to the government what was the governments and you should give to God what was God.

The bible talks about many issues. And while those issues today are held by one party or another. Jesus did not favor one over the other. In fact, Jesus gave Christians direction on how they should live thier lives. On some issues that is inline with conservatives and on some issues that is inline with liberals. But Jesus himself was not of political party.

Today in society, we are ok with just tearing pages out of the bible that we disagree with. But God did not give us His words, so we could pick and choose which parts we want to follow and which parts we want to ignore. The bible talks about homosexuality being wrong. But Jesus hung out with a lot of "undesireables." And when He saw sin, He told the person they were a sinner. But at the same time, He protected and loved them. But once they accepted Him, they did not continue in sin.

The bible talks about the roles of women and men. This was not "an option"...it is God's word. The bible talks about helping the poor. He talks about the churches role in helping all of God's children. Not the governments role, because He was not of Government. Jesus was of God.

The bible talks about being born again and being made anew. It talks about once you accept Christ your life is changed forever. You will be dead as you were before and born again. Simon was dead and Peter was born. You are changed in such a way, you can not possibly continue in sin.

The bible talks about Murder. It talks about forgiveness and how it is wrong to take a life. While the old testement talks about an eye for an eye, Jesus talks about turning the other cheek. The bible talks about learning to forgive, and judgeing not others. The bible also recongizes life in the womb. When Mary told of her meeting the angels, the baby of her friend "lept in the womb." Even that child could not contain the excitement for the Saviors coming. The bible tells us Jesus called fisherman to follow Him and lay down thier nets. And though He met soldiers, at no time did he tell them to "lay down their weapons." In fact, before translation the bible uses a different word for killing in war then killing as in murder.

Both political partys have picked up areas that are covered in the bible. But no one area takes preferance over another. Do not take my word on it either. Seek for yourself. The bible tells us "Seek and Ye Shall Find." The world may not like what the bible teaches us in every circumstance. But my favorite verse from the bible is this one....

John 16: 33"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me, you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

Home

I have lived in 9 states and 39 houses. I graduated from high school from the same town I was born in. I guess that makes it my hometown. I have always felt a little lost because I guess in some ways...there never was a home.

They say home is where your heart is, but...I do not trust my heart anymore. I guess maybe I never did.

I always thought that when I found "home" I would know it to be that. But It does not feel like I am ever going to find the one place I belong. The only commen thing that made a home most of my life was my mom. We did not have a "normal family." But my mom and my sister and I were as much as a family as we could get it. And we moved alot...but it was not the feeling of a house or belonging that made it home. It was a feeling of being in there together...because there was nobody else.

And now, without mom, I feel a lot lost. I have a family of sorts again because I have my children. And I do what I do for them not out of some responsibility but out of all the love I have in my heart. But in my son's 5 year old life, He has already lived in 3 states. He will be the best traveled kid in his kindergarden class this fall.

When I am faced with the challenge of trying to find out where I am to turn in a moment of trouble, I realize quickly...I have no home to return to. There is no safe place. No place to take my pain. The only place I have to take my pain is to go to God in prayer. I guess in the long run, that is the best place to turn. He will make me a home with Him, if I give it all to Him. And yet, the pain still drives me to my knees.

Love, Trust and Other Things that Break Your Heart

I do everything wrong. Nothing in my life has ever happened in the right order. Actually, not much good has happened in my life. I do not trust easy. Only once have I really opened myself up to trust another. And now, I feel like that trust....that trust that took me years to get to this point took a giant step backwards tonight.

A slip of the eye. A forgotten password. A scanning through unread mail. It seems like such an insignificant thing. And yet, It is killing me inside.

I thought it was me. After all, everyone in my life has left at some point. No one has ever bothered to love me enough to stay. I guess some things never change.

It is the non communcation that bothers me the most. I am just that type of person. I need to talk through what I feel. But, there is no one to talk to. I could call my sister but it is almost 1 am there. Besides, she can not handle one more thing right now. I am the big sister. It is my job to take care of her, not burden her with my insignificant life.

The irony. The day after tomorrow is a bad anniversary. It is the day I tried to kill myself. I took a hand full of pills. It has been 11 years. I still am overwhelmed with the need of that time to just make the pain end. Tired of takign care of everyone else and no one even caring if my needs were met. I guess somethings never really change. I am not going to take a handful of pills this time. I guess that is something. I do not want to die, I guess I just feel like soon I will be starting all over again.

He ask me "How would you feel if you were me." And I wanted to say "Loved." But it would not come out. But is it enough love to do what is best for everyone but me? That is what my life has been about. Doing what is best for everyone else. My whole life has been about everyone but me. I feel so insignificant. I do not even have anyone to talk to about it. How freaking sad am I?

It was doomed before today. Always has been. Everyone was right. And again I am wrong. A failure. Gee, there is nothing new. There has not been much I was a success at. Nothing, actually.

And he blamed me. I had hard proof, and he blamed me. For months I felt like I was doing something wrong. I was not sure what, but that I just was not good enough. And he blamed me for things he had done. It is all my fault. Like I said though, isnt everything?

I want to get in my car and drive for days. Maybe I knew this was all going to happen. My ulcer is bothering me so bad this week. Maybe it was a sign and I missed it because I didn't want to see. Maybe.... Maybe....Maybe....

I feel so numb. I know when the numb wears off, then the pain will really begin. But right now, I feel overwhelmed with the lies I told to cover all the truths. The blame I have taken for not being good enough. And the lonely world I have allowed myself to be pushed into. Just numb. I can not sleep. I am not hungry. I can not even really see straight. I feel overwhelmed with what I have to do now. I will never be able to trust again. Never. Maybe that is what I am most sad about. My trust was this fragile flower...and it has been stomped upon and has turned to ashes. It is never coming back. That part of me just died. The soil will no longer grow anything. No part of me will ever grow another thing.

No where to turn, no where to go. No one to talk to, and no place to belong anymore. Just hard decisions to make and a numbness that will not allow me to accept any of the decisions to be made right now. And yet, I still worry and I still love. God, What a freaking fool I am.

Fool. Idiot. Failure. And most importantly, Never good enough. Never. Like the world needed further proof.

Digital Scrapbooks

So, I do scrapbooking. Recently I discovered Digital scrapbooking. So, I started my own blog of my pages. It only has a few images there now. More will be added later. I have to say Photobucket's "blog this" item is really cool. It sure makes life easy.

So, Check out my Digital Scrapbook blog. There are so many cool things to do out there on the web and using your computer.

I love making images and fooling around with them. Here is my sig file at The Parents Perspective. It is a website for parents and others. They have boards on a ton of topics. You do not have to be a parent to go there. And thier debate forums are pretty good. I "mod" 3 boards there. If you are a crafter or a gamer or are part of Mops/Moms Club Int. Come on by. I would love to have you join one of my boards.