Ghost of the past

Ya know, once in a while I will get an email from someone I had not heard from in forever. And sometimes, I will search out those people. It is still weird when I get someone email me from back in my College days though. On myspace, there is a small group of us auggie people who still chat to each other. That group is small, but it is still nice to read thier pages and see what is happening in thier lives. Another small group of auggie people who I email often. It is so strange that those wild and crazy kids are now parents. EEK. What an idea.

Last night, I was searching around the web though...and I found the name of a very old friend. She used to live with me when I was in Middle school. And I hate it...because I have this name, her husband's name...and still no way to contact her. We were best of friends, and my mom's foster daughter. I wish that I could talk with her...we lost touch during one of the many moves...the last time I talked with her was right after my mom died. I just miss her a lot. She is an awsome person.

I have decided I like Ghost from the past. It is nice to hear from old friends and reminders of what life once was.

Me

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Sabrina
Birthday:	February
Birthplace:	Maryland
Current Location:	Exiled in Louisiana
Eye Color:	Cat Green
Hair Color:	Brownish Red
Height:	5 foot nothing
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Both
Your Heritage:	Irish, Scottish, American Indian and a little bit German
The Shoes You Wore Today:	slip ons
Your Weakness:	Ice Cream
Your Fears:	Too many to list. Water, heights, etc..
Your Perfect Pizza:	Sausage, onions, tomatoes, green peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Move out of Louisiana
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Why is it morning already?
Your Best Physical Feature:	Eyes
Your Bedtime:	10ish
Your Most Missed Memory:	My Mom
Pepsi or Coke:	Diet coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Mcdonalds I guess..Prefer Wendys
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton Ice Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Neither. yuck
Do you Smoke:	No. yuck
Do you Swear:	Sometimes I let one slip
Do you Sing:	Yes. Love to
Do you Shower Daily:	LOL yes
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Did already...would like to go to grad school though
Do you want to get Married:	already am
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	yes
Do you think you are Attractive:	i am me
Are you a Health Freak:	LOL no
Do you get along with your Parents:	I am parentless
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes
Do you play an Instrument:	violin
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no. cant with my meds
In the past month have you Smoked:	no. yuck
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	prescription drugs
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	yes
Ever Shoplifted:	yes
How do you want to Die:	when I am old
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	LOL. I do not know. at 35 I should huh?
What country would you most like to Visit:	hmm...Ireland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Brown
Favourite Hair Color:	Brown
Short or Long Hair:	Not long but not too short either
Height:	Taller then me. not too hard
Weight:	does not really matter
Best Clothing Style:	casual dress
Number of Drugs I have taken:	no clue
Number of CDs I own:	too many
Number of Piercings:	2 in one ear, 3 in another
Number of Tattoos:	none
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many to list.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I Want to Move!

I want to move. Have I mentioned that lately? I want to move, I want to move, I want to move.

Did I mention I want to move?

Argh. Dorkboy is going out of town. fun fun.

2 Thoughts

I was listening to the radio when I took the kids to school and was coming home. We have been listening to the Christmas Channel that is just playing Christmas Music.

1. There was a song on about a little girl who wanted her daddy for Christmas, but he was "at the war". It was as though a gentle reminder to me to pray for the families of those soldiers fighting over seas this Christmas. Everyday I make time to pray for our soldiers in harms way...But I can not imagine spending the Christmas without them. In 1990, My brother was stationed in the middle east as the build up to the first gulf war. His son had been born just 6 months earlier...and he missed his first Christmas. I will never forget how it felt like part of our heart was missing.. So, Please join me in praying for our troops families this Christmas.

And 2. There are 3 bridges that connect the "twin cities" here...and there were accidents on 2 of them. This lady called in and said she was stuck in traffic and to avoid that area if you could....and when the guy asked her if she could just rewind and start over...she said "Nah, not really. I am just enjoying listening to the Christmas music this morning in my car." What a wonderful attitude to have this Christmas. It makes me feel guilty for my bah humbug mood lately....but it reminds me that really....nothing is that important. May we all find joy just in the being of Christmas this year.

The Mayonnaise Jar And 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem
Almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar
And 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large
And empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students
If the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles
And poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open
Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked
The students again
If the jar was full..
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
And poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded
With an unanimous
"yes."

The professor then produced
Two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents
Into the jar, effectively filling the
Empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor,
As the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that
This jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things -
Family, children, health,
Friends, and favorite passions --
Things that if everything else was lost
And only they remained,
Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter
Like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first,"
He continued,
"there is no room for
The pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time
And energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for
The things that are
Important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things
That are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.

There will always be time
To clean the house
And fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand
And inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked".

It just goes to show you that no matter how full
your life may
seem,
there's always room for
a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

I Remember

Yesterday was 12 years since my mom's passing. It was a very hard day for me...And honestly, I was not sure I could even type the words without crying. Add in Kate's first day of school. She missed so much of my life. The first third of my life, she was trying to get it together, so she could actually be a mom. The second third she was my best friend, and the last third...I have had to live without her.

I just can not seem to get passed all that she has missed. This week would also be my Grandma's birthday. She died almost 2 years ago. I just...Sometimes I feel so alone. I feel so jealous of Brian, because he has this great family who loves him. I have nobody...but him. Today, his mom called me because she wanted to see how I was doing. She wanted to make sure I was ok because she knew how hard this week was for me. Wanted to see what I was doing with the kids all at school. I can not be sure, but I think she might just be an angel sent for me.

Letting Go

Today was the first day of PreK for my youngest.



I am very proud of her. She was so excited about today. When we got to the school, I walked her to class. I held her hand while we waited for our turn to check in with the teacher. Then she took the teachers hand, and never looked back or even kissed me goodbye.

I have to go buy her a cake today for her first day of school. Where has the time went? They just keep growing so quickly.

How Quick 11 Years Goes By

Tomorrow is a sad anniversary for me. It will be 11 years since I miscarried my first baby. I was 11 and 1/2 weeks along, when I started bleeding and miscarried. I was home alone at the time. I have never felt so alone as I did that morning. And Even though I have had 3 other children...They do not really replace that child, or the other children I would lose after that one. It doesnt erase the hurt of that one baby, Who I dreamed of. Who I made plans for. I would have a 10 year old right now. It is suppose to hurt less as time goes on, but it doesnt. That hurt just stays right there.

Stuck

Well, I guess we are going to be here another year. A year ago, I said I would not stay here past a year. I was so unhappy with the school, with just everything. And now, I am looking at going onto another year here. I can not say I am happy about it. Actually, I would describe it close to uncontrollable panic and fear and anger.

I just want to get in my car and drive away. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I do not have anyone I can talk to about it. I do not want Brian to feel bad about us being stuck here. He has made an honest effort to get us out of here. He applied for 2 different transfers in the last month. Both times the company had a person picked to fill the job before it was even posted. And nothing has been opening up. I just did not want to be here when school starts. And now, school starts in less then a month.

At church on sunday, the lady was trying to be nice....But she was asking about us moving so much, and we basically told her we just dont know when or if we get to move. She said, you could always leave your industry to find another job to stay here. I swear, I felt the panic swell up in my chest. I just want to get out of here so bad.

Maybe I just need to go home. I wonder how much it would cost to just take the kids and go home to see my family. Just a little time there. Brian is afraid everytime I get in the car I wont come home lately. I do not blame him. I have a hard time making myself come home.

I just want to fly away. I feel like there is no hope, no future, no nothing. Just this darkness that has moved in and sat on my chest and is keeping me from really breathing. I so hate that feeling of depression. That sinking feeling that feels like it is a beast coming in and taking over my body. I just want to start running now, and maybe I can outrun it before it totally grips me. I just want to run fast and far. I just want to out run the darkness.

Where We Come From

I have been spending a lot of time lately looking into my ancestory. I can go back in many cases to the early 1700's...and in a few cases much earlier. It amazes me to see where I came from, who I am, and who those before me were. What they did, How they lived, etc.

My family can trace its roots back in my hometown to the first settlers in the area. They crossed back and forth between that area from West Virginia, to Maryland to right on the border in Pennsylvania for over 200 years. I feel lately a little guilty for being the one to break away from that. But there are just not jobs there. No way to make a living. I would do anything to go home again...But atlast, that is one place we all can never go.

Some pictures to share...

My Great Grandma Gallagher with 3 of her siblings. She is the 3rd woman pictured. Madeline Wyndham Gallagher

Moments and My own life

Title: Emerson Drive - Moments lyrics

Artist: Emerson Drive

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I've had my moments
I've had my moments

Everytime I hear this song lately it leaves me reflective of my own life. I have not been all that happy lately. I feel kind of stuck here in Louisiana. I hate the school system. I want so much better and different for my kids. The house we are renting is falling down around us. We dont care for our church, so we found a new one. Only, they got a new preacher and we are not real thrilled with him. In the year we have been here, Not one person has really made us feel welcomed here. They are all friendly enough, the south is known for thier friendly people....but Making a person feel welcome is not the same as being friendly enough.

I do not like the person I am most days. I was reading a book earlier, and it made me realize that I have not been real crazy about the person I have been for a while. The person my kids see, is not that person who used to shine. I just do not know how to fix it. To be that person again.

I had my moments in the sun. The first time I sang a solo in church on Christmas Eve, with the church barely lit during midnight mass. Singing about the birth of our Lord and Savior. Graduating from high school, and getting a special award from the school. An Award, I or my parents had no clue I was getting. The Principal stood there and said the nicest things about me, Telling everyone how much I had done. Standing on the stage doing social issues improv theather. Having all those people watch me and be focused on me and know from things they said, it made a differance. Talking to someone about rape, and helping them through it, and knowing I made a differance. The day my children were born, holding them in my arms, watching them grow...knowing everything they needed to survive they took from me.

Sometimes I regret deeply putting my health ahead of having more children. I wanted more. I really did. But the last pregnancy was so hard with my arthritis. Instead of going into remission, it got worse. They wanted me to start these new drug thearpys to fight it....the numbness in my arms. I was afraid all the time of dropping the kids. I had to do something. And the bedrest during the pregnancies. It put so much on everyone else. Not having a family ready to jump and help of my own...it put a lot on Brian's family. His mom, Dad...and expecially him. I started to feel like a burden...sometimes I guess I still do.

Sometimes, that seems to stop me from having any special moments. Sometimes, I think it is the fear of everything that has happened. Losing my mom, worrying that I will die like her. Those babies I lost in the 2nd trimester of my pregnancies. A future I had all planned out and never reaching that goal....and now too afraid to try. The babies I will never have or hold. I love my 3 wonderful children. They are blessings to my life. But I mourn for those babies that died, and those that wont be because of my RA too. The depression lately has just wrapped around me and taken hold. I know it is just that it is July. 12 years since my first baby died at only 11 and 1/2 weeks into the pregnancy. 12 Birthdays for my mom since she died. She would of been 53 this year.

Since she died, The only moments have been about the kids. Maybe that is the way it is suppose to be. Please, God....dont let me miss one of thier moments.

Mom and Birthdays

What power that word holds. Only one person can ever be that person, and no one can come along and fill that space no matter how hard they try. And yet, we are shaped by the person who fills that role. Who is mom.

I would like to say that only the last 12 birthdays have been hard, but that would be a lie. I dont know what it is about this time of year that makes me feel so miserable and hopeless. Most people enjoy thier birthday, but I hate it. Every year it becomes one terrible disappointment after the next. This year is lining up to be no exception. The only good memories I have of any parts of my birthday involve my mom. She always tried to make it so great....but yet, it seems like there was always something.

When I was turning 5, My mom was planning this party for me. My parents had finally divorced the year before...and for my first birthday, minus my father's responisibility...she was trying. Then she got sick, ended up in the hospital during my birthday. Her best friend Bev came and hosted my little party. Bev got me a little satin and lace purse and hat. Funny how you remember the little things. But, she wasnt there.

Then there was the year I was in the hospital for my 8th birthday. On my 9th it was really sunny outside. My grandpa fixed the car that day. 10, 11, ....For my 12th i had a sleep over. It was the only time in my whole childhood I was allowed to invite any friends into my grandparents house. My 14th, I had my first girl/boy party. The boy I like lied to me. I can not believe how much that lie still hurts all these years later. My 19th, my mother bought me a lace nightie and informed me...I needed it to make her grandbabies. She did not care for son-in-laws...but she wanted grandbabies.

It was my 21st that was the rock bottem. It was 5 days after it, I took a bottle of pain pills and a bottle of sleeping pills and washed it down with a fifth of Vodka. My dad showed up with my stepmom in tow...first time i had seen him in years. I had been raped a few months earlier...and my life was so out of control. My dad proceeded to make my birthday hell. The next day, mom and johnna were suppose to come down to spend the day with me. Only, Johnna showed up. Mom had a headache. Johnna stopped and picked up a cake, with whip cream icing i hate. Fought with me for an hour, and then turned around and left. It was a hell of a birthday.

I spent the next one in a psych ward for depression...my mom in the hospital for a drug reaction she was given for her migraines. Then by the time a year rolled around and I was 23, my mom was dead.

I hate this time of year. God, Please do not let me fail my kids when it comes to birthdays and please, let them remember good things.

Love and Trust

Trust is such a fragile thing. Even when you do not mean to hurt another person, you do. Just not thinking about the consequences of your actions. And sometimes, we find ourselves hurt by something ...that was never even meant for us to find out. But we do. And it causes us deep pain.

Why do people not think about how they are hurting those around them before they do things? I know that I tend to over think everything. But isnt that better then hurting someone when they told you not to do something because it hurts them and you do it anyway because you think they wont find out?

Love hurts too much. It really is better not to give your trust to anyone...because people just abuse that trust when you do. I am so tired of just hurting. Of being set up to fail. Of being the one that people walk on just because they can.

I need a long vacation from life right now. A very long vacation.

7 Year Olds and Things that Hurt

Yesterday, My son turned 7. And it has been a week at school. The thing I will remember about this place when I look behind it and run as fast as I can the other way is how only 2 children from the 35, He invited showed up. This is the most awful place ever. I am really disappointed in what I have found in people here. They have this way of being so rude, while being so nice about it.

There has not been much good about our life here, and I will not regret looking the other way and moving as fast as I can the opposite way as soon as I get the chance.

Abu Ghraib/60 Mins & How MUCH I HATE THE MEDIA

My hometown gets on national TV and it is so terrible... Not that any of the Abu Ghraib stuff has been good for Cumberland. it is kind of funny in a sad way..Jack Abromoff goes to jail in cumberland and the abu Ghraib scandel is centered around a military police unit from the area. Always bad stuff.

The VFW person... a childhood friend. I have known Colin since ....well i was born. They lived across the street one house up. Colin is a good guy. He is not the evil SOB 60 mins makes him out to be. And Cumberland is not the Evil place full of hateful rednecks they make it out to be. Why does the media do this? I have more thoughts on this..but I am wondering if anyone else watched this.

Is the media really making it seem so terrible..or am i over sensitive because these are people I know and care about and a hometown I love? They make the people there seem like they are gonna blow the guys head off because they do not agree with the way he went about doing things...argh.

Click Here and

Praise God. Kristin is out of ICU

They moved her to a regular room. She has had both tubes removed from her chest now...and is on oral pain medications. They took the epidural out so that she could go to oral meds. It is still really serious...but...she is out of ICU. This is really something to be thankful for this holiday season.

She is still in a lot of pain...and my dad keeps saying she is a trooper...which equates to this is how he is dealing with her pain. She is having a lot of problems adjusting to the oral meds...so she still needs prayers. But please...Keep her in your prayers this holiday season.