God I feel sick just thinking back. 11 years at this time, they were dragging me into a little room. Telling me my mom had died. the nurse was crying. The doctor was worried. They needed me to call the organ donation place right away. Not even giving me time to deal with my grief. The only thing she was able to donate were her cornea's because they did not know how she died. She wanted to be an organ donater. I am glad they could give more life to someone else.
I still miss her so much. I drank last night until I could fall asleep. I just want to get past this terrible day. It still physically hurts. When people tell you the time will help heal you... It may on the day to day, but not on the anniversaries. They still kill you.
I just want to crawl back in bed and hope I wake up tomorrow. I know, all day I will look at the clock and see where I was that day. The funeral home. The mall getting my hair cut, buying clothes for the funeral. people putting food in front of me, I had no desire to eat. Trying to comfort my grandma and sister.
Brian had to cover a shift today. Of all the days. I hate it here so much sometimes. I know it is just because we hardly know anyone. But there are problems with my kids school. Brian works so much, he is not ever here. I feel like I am always alone lately...except for Kate. But holding on a conversation with a 3 year old gets tiring and gives me a headache. I just want this year to pass quickly.
My stomach has been killing me. I have not excatly been eating healthy. In some ways I feel the spiral and I cant stop it. I hate that. I just hope today passes quickly.
Not quick enough for me.
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