I cant help but just feel like I am out of spoons lately. I am just so tired. Stress takes its toll on me physically as well as emotionally.
To add to it, I am just not the type of person to fight back. I let people come into my life and take away my being okay. I let the stress get to me. And now, I just feel worn from it. I feel exhausted and I just need a break. I need the chance to relax.
I was reading the spoon theary link above, and I just started crying. It takes everything I have to make it through each day. To do just what I need to do. My dishes do not always get done, I can not lift the trash to take it out and it has to be done by someone else, I may fold the laundry but I can not lift it to put it away. I only have so much energy..and most days...There is never enough.
And when I have stress added to it, That alone takes away 1/3 of my spoons. Not only does it break my heart, it chips away at my reserve.
I do not understand people sometimes. I really do not. Why insist on making problems for people? Why try to stand in the way of someones marriage? why make trouble? And then, when you get in trouble for doing things you should not, Why do people insist on "getting back" at someone who did nothing to them in the first place. Expecially, when you do not even know who the heck this person is?
Beyond that, What am I to think? Who is to blame? And what does worrying and stressing about this cost the toll on my body. Is it ok that it depleates me? Is it ok that it chips away at me and my sanity? At what cost?
Always that question. At what cost?
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
First Day of Kindergarden
So, I have spent the day calling the school district and scheduleing Doctor's appointments. My oldest goes to Kindergarden next year. He is really excited. A year ago, We thought he would never go to school. He has sensory issues. But now, he is a changed child. I do not know what changed. Maybe he grew up.
Actually, I think he grew up while I was not looking. He used to fit literally in just one hand. He was so tiny. And now, He barely can sit on my lap. How did he get so big so fast?
His grandma got him a book called "The day before Kindergarden." Man, I cried reading it. HE is my little boy. And now, he is school aged almost. He will be going to the better public school in our small town. And he will ride a school bus! My little guy on a school bus. I keep thinking about how he wont use a car seat on it. Parinoid Mother syndrome.
he is so excited. All he keeps talking about is learning to read and his friends he will make, and playing on the playground. We have all day kindergarden here. I am actually happy about that...and a little worried. But I know he will do great. He is going to have a blast..
Now, If mom can just pick her heart up off the floor to finish getting him all registared to go.
Actually, I think he grew up while I was not looking. He used to fit literally in just one hand. He was so tiny. And now, He barely can sit on my lap. How did he get so big so fast?
His grandma got him a book called "The day before Kindergarden." Man, I cried reading it. HE is my little boy. And now, he is school aged almost. He will be going to the better public school in our small town. And he will ride a school bus! My little guy on a school bus. I keep thinking about how he wont use a car seat on it. Parinoid Mother syndrome.
he is so excited. All he keeps talking about is learning to read and his friends he will make, and playing on the playground. We have all day kindergarden here. I am actually happy about that...and a little worried. But I know he will do great. He is going to have a blast..
Now, If mom can just pick her heart up off the floor to finish getting him all registared to go.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Hurting the Ones You Love
Many times we hurt the ones we love without meaning to. We say things at thier expense. We would never say that of a stranger, but it becomes okay when it is someone we are suppose to love.
Why do we do this? Why does it just continue to hurt people we love. I just do not understand it all.
Why do we do this? Why does it just continue to hurt people we love. I just do not understand it all.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Palm Sunday Service
John 12: 16-19
16At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Jesus was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that they had done these things to him.
17Now the crowd that was with him when he called Lazarus from the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to spread the word. 18Many people, because they had heard that he had given this miraculous sign, went out to meet him. 19So the Pharisees said to one another, “See, this is getting us nowhere. Look how the whole world has gone after him!”
The Lenten Carol by Steven Walters
Luke 19: 39-40
39Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”
40“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”
Ain't No Rock Gonna Should for Me by J. Paul Williams
Matthew 21: 10-16
10When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, “Who is this?”
11The crowds answered, “This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.”
Jesus at the Temple 12Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. 13“It is written,” he said to them, “ ‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a ‘den of robbers.’”
14The blind and the lame came to him at the temple, and he healed them. 15But when the chief priests and the teachers of the law saw the wonderful things he did and the children shouting in the temple area, “Hosanna to the Son of David,” they were indignant.
16“Do you hear what these children are saying?” they asked him.
“Yes,” replied Jesus, “have you never read, “ ‘From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise’?”
John 16: 16-22
16“In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”
17Some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?” 18They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don't understand what he is saying.”
19Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? 20I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
Amazing Grace! Eternal Life! by Travis boyd
16At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Jesus was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that they had done these things to him.
17Now the crowd that was with him when he called Lazarus from the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to spread the word. 18Many people, because they had heard that he had given this miraculous sign, went out to meet him. 19So the Pharisees said to one another, “See, this is getting us nowhere. Look how the whole world has gone after him!”
The Lenten Carol by Steven Walters
Do you see how he rides through the city gates as a king with hsi head held
high? Do you see in his face any sign or trace that he knows he will soon have
to die? Surely he would of have known in his special way that they sought him to
crucify. Yet he rides unafraid through the sun and shade as "hosanana!" the
people cry.
Do you see how he goes to Gethsemane as the night winds begin to blow?
Do you see him on his knees near the olive trees as he prays for God's true will
to know? There are none who would blame him for staying free of a death so
painful and slow. Yet he knows he must see to his destiny, to his Calvary
He must go.
Do you see how he stands in the judgement hall as a captive with head bowed
low? Do you see how he fails to reply when assailed with blunt questions whose
answers he knows? Could it possibly be that his lot was cast to have failed as
savior and king? Yet we see in his eyes not the least suprise when they say he
must face death's sting.
Do you see how they take him outside of town to the hill to be crucified?
Can you stand there and hear every taunt and jeer? Do you see how he
painfully dies? Yet if all that he said when he walked thsi earth would be
treasured and held as wise. There is no way to doubt that the truth will out,
even now he prepares. even now he prepares, even now he prepares to rise!
Luke 19: 39-40
39Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”
40“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”
Ain't No Rock Gonna Should for Me by J. Paul Williams
Here comes the Lord ridin on a donkey with people wavign branches and
callin him "King." Here comes the Lord ridin through Jerusalem. If the
people dont should, the rocks will cry out! Rocks, keep silent! Jesus comes to
set me free. Rocks, keep silent! I'm gonna shout in victory! Rocks keep silent
Jesus reigns in majesty. Aint no rock gonna shout for me.
Here comes the Lord as thousands throng to see him. Children stand on
tiptoe to see the King. Here comes the Lord; excitement in the air.
If the people don't shout, the rocks will cry! Oh yes, the rocks will cry out!
Rocks, keep silent! Jesus comes to set me free. Rocks, keep silent! I'm gonna
shout in victory! Rocks keep silent Jesus reigns in majesty. Aint no rock gonna
shout for me.
Aint no rock gonna shout for me. Rocks keep silent! Aint no rock gonna
shout for me. Rocks keep silent Aint no rock gonna shout for me. Here comes the
Lord; hosannas fill the air. The people bow and worship the promised King!
Here comes the Lord. "Hosanna in the highest!" If the people don't shout, the
rocks will cry out!" Rocks, keep silent! Jesus comes to set me free. Rocks, keep
silent! I'm gonna shout in victory! Rocks keep silent Jesus reigns in majesty.
Aint no rock gonna shout for me. Aint no rock gonna shout for me. Aint no rock
gonna shout for me.
Matthew 21: 10-16
10When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, “Who is this?”
11The crowds answered, “This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.”
Jesus at the Temple 12Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. 13“It is written,” he said to them, “ ‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a ‘den of robbers.’”
14The blind and the lame came to him at the temple, and he healed them. 15But when the chief priests and the teachers of the law saw the wonderful things he did and the children shouting in the temple area, “Hosanna to the Son of David,” they were indignant.
16“Do you hear what these children are saying?” they asked him.
“Yes,” replied Jesus, “have you never read, “ ‘From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise’?”
John 16: 16-22
16“In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”
17Some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?” 18They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don't understand what he is saying.”
19Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? 20I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
Amazing Grace! Eternal Life! by Travis boyd
There is a love sent down to man, A rugged cross, a spotless Lamb. A life
laid down, a sacrifice, Amazing grace! Eternal Life! There is a hope
beyond the grave, With love so deep and power to save. Risign above all
earthly strife. Amazing Grace! Eternal Life! There is peace that all can
know. It calms the heart and heals the soul. "Come unto me," The savior
cries. Amazing grace! Eternal life! God so loved the world that He
gave His son for us to believe in Him. For the Son was not sent to condemn
the world but to save us from our sin. There is a home prepared for all,
Who on the name of Jesus call. A place of rest, a throne on high. Amazing
grace! eternal life! A place of rest, a throne on high. Amazing Grace! Eternal
life! Amazing Grace!
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Smileys
A few post ago I used a lot of smileys in my post. I really like these smileys. they were an option of something that I could use here, or in post elsewhere, or email, or even on my im's. They just crack me up. Here are a few of my favorites.
This reminds me of my Youth Group today, after thier bakesale. lol. They made over 250$ from thier baked goods and the yummys that others had donated.
This little guy reminds me of St Patricks Day this week. I hope veryone wh has Irish in thier Heritage took the time to remember where they came from. This week, I told some people I was making Potato Candy for the bake sale. People looked at me like I was crazy. They just had no idea what Potato Candy was. That little guy laughing just cracks me up. Reminds me of college. My Dorm, Smith Dorm, had its dorm party during the spring semester the weekend that we celebrated St Patricks Day. Every year. It reminds me that I was once young and of the time that I actually felt young.
This was me today. Our choir had our concert this morning and there was so much going on with the bake sale and sunday school...and well jsut everything. I was just going crazy running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
This little guy is me. lol. When I get mad...that is kind of what I do. I have lots of hair to pull out too.
There are a ton more. They are so funny. But on one serious note....
This reminds me of my Youth Group today, after thier bakesale. lol. They made over 250$ from thier baked goods and the yummys that others had donated. This little guy reminds me of St Patricks Day this week. I hope veryone wh has Irish in thier Heritage took the time to remember where they came from. This week, I told some people I was making Potato Candy for the bake sale. People looked at me like I was crazy. They just had no idea what Potato Candy was. That little guy laughing just cracks me up. Reminds me of college. My Dorm, Smith Dorm, had its dorm party during the spring semester the weekend that we celebrated St Patricks Day. Every year. It reminds me that I was once young and of the time that I actually felt young. This was me today. Our choir had our concert this morning and there was so much going on with the bake sale and sunday school...and well jsut everything. I was just going crazy running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This little guy is me. lol. When I get mad...that is kind of what I do. I have lots of hair to pull out too.There are a ton more. They are so funny. But on one serious note....
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Little Reminders
I have a Chronic Illness. I try really hard to pretend it is not real. lol. What a Joke.
Tonight I dropped a 20 pack of diet Cokes all over the floor at the check out of walmart. The burst open and went flying in different directions. The falling and dropping things are the most constant reminders of my illness. It is so embarrassing. But beyond how it appears to others, How it makes me feel out weighs all that. The frustration of dropping things and having to constantly clean up the mess of dropping it. The frustration of having to start all over again a million times. The frustration of not being "normal."
Add to it falling all over the place. Normal people do not take a step only to have thier knee not lock and you fall down. Normal people are not covered by black and blue marks that tell the story of each fall. Normal people are not covered with black and blue marks because someone leaned against them too hard.
I hate the disease. I hate what it is doing to me. I hate That I am trying to lose some of this freaking weight and I just cant. I exercise twice a day everyday and I can not lose one freaking pound even when I eat under 700 calories a day total. I hate that I can not get control of my weight. I hate that no matter what I do I can not lose any of it and gain weight when I am excercising and not eating. I hate because I have thyroid problems I can not take Diet Pills. Diet and exercise are NOT working. They just are NOT. The doctor keeps telling me to be patiant. But I can not. And the only thing I can figure is that the pills I take to help the Rheamatoid Arthritis are actually causing me to gain weight...or my thyroid meds are not at the right level. But he just freaking did the TSH level and it was fine. I am so freaking frustrated I just want to scream.
Everything is a reminder to me that I can not lose the weight. It is a constant reminder to me that I can not do high power excercises and have to stick to what is safe for my RA when I am constantly falling or dropping things.
My whole life is going to be like this. I am 32 years old. Only 32 years old and my whole life is going to be like this forever. Forever! Of course, I will be dead from either a heartattack because of being overweight, or my thyroid will just be too off, or bleeding from the ulcers caused by already being on NSAIDS for 28 years, or some other problem.
I thought about trying to seek out a group, but in this small community...I am just not sure there are support groups for people with Chronic Illnesses. We moved here so I could be better...and the upper respitory infections are not as bad, but everything else...Its the progression of the disease.
I want to say "Why me?" but I know better. "Why not me?" But It does not make my heart hurt any less. It does not make me cry any less to know that forever I am going to just get worse.
I just want to pretend everything is fine. That the drugs are not there. And the more I ignore it the more it is the elphant in the room. I feel like nobody understands that feeling. It is easy for others to pretend, because they are not going through it. But everytime I drop something, Everytime I realize I gained a few more pounds while dieting, everytime I take a step and miss and fall or everytime I look down and see one more black and blue mark....Its a little reminder that my life is different then everyone elses.
I have never had an easy life. And you know, I do not want a perfect life. I just want to pretend for a little while without all the little reminders. I just need a few minutes to where I am just a normal 32 year old women. Not someone who struggles with weight, walking, and holding on to an object. I just want to feel like I can do anything for a few minutes....without being reminded that I can not do the things most people can do. Is that really such a terrible thing to want?
You know, 80% of people who have Juvenile Rheamatoid ARthritis go into remission or thier disease goes away. Only 20% carry it into adulthood. Almost all have the RH factor. My mind says, You just did not beat the odds. But my heart wonders Why I had to be one of the 20%.
The other night in chat, some other members from the RA website were discussing that they did not feel there was enough research on RA. 28 years ago, they put me on 16 aspirian a day to deal with the pain and that was it. Today, I take an anti-rheamitic drug, prenisone treatments as needed, a once a day NSAID, and they are able to moniter it all easier and more effectively. I know there has been progress, but I also realize that in my life time they will not discover a cure.
My mom had lupus. It too is in the same family of diseases. She died at 41 from her disease. My nephew too has an auto-immune disease. There is a good chance that at least one of my children will have one. I just pray that they find a cure in thier lifetime. If you want more information, please go to the Arthritis Foundation Website. Support research for this disease. Please. Living with a Chronic condition effects every part of your everyday life.
Now, stepping off my soap box...My insurance set me up witha "nurse manager." Color me confused. I didnt ask for it, they just did it. I feel...hessitant. Call me skeptical, but after 28 years of living with a Chronic Condition, I just do not beleive that any insurance company is doing something for my own good. They make it sound like a wonderful thing, but...well, I just do not know.
Tonight I dropped a 20 pack of diet Cokes all over the floor at the check out of walmart. The burst open and went flying in different directions. The falling and dropping things are the most constant reminders of my illness. It is so embarrassing. But beyond how it appears to others, How it makes me feel out weighs all that. The frustration of dropping things and having to constantly clean up the mess of dropping it. The frustration of having to start all over again a million times. The frustration of not being "normal."
Add to it falling all over the place. Normal people do not take a step only to have thier knee not lock and you fall down. Normal people are not covered by black and blue marks that tell the story of each fall. Normal people are not covered with black and blue marks because someone leaned against them too hard.
I hate the disease. I hate what it is doing to me. I hate That I am trying to lose some of this freaking weight and I just cant. I exercise twice a day everyday and I can not lose one freaking pound even when I eat under 700 calories a day total. I hate that I can not get control of my weight. I hate that no matter what I do I can not lose any of it and gain weight when I am excercising and not eating. I hate because I have thyroid problems I can not take Diet Pills. Diet and exercise are NOT working. They just are NOT. The doctor keeps telling me to be patiant. But I can not. And the only thing I can figure is that the pills I take to help the Rheamatoid Arthritis are actually causing me to gain weight...or my thyroid meds are not at the right level. But he just freaking did the TSH level and it was fine. I am so freaking frustrated I just want to scream.
Everything is a reminder to me that I can not lose the weight. It is a constant reminder to me that I can not do high power excercises and have to stick to what is safe for my RA when I am constantly falling or dropping things.
My whole life is going to be like this. I am 32 years old. Only 32 years old and my whole life is going to be like this forever. Forever! Of course, I will be dead from either a heartattack because of being overweight, or my thyroid will just be too off, or bleeding from the ulcers caused by already being on NSAIDS for 28 years, or some other problem.
I thought about trying to seek out a group, but in this small community...I am just not sure there are support groups for people with Chronic Illnesses. We moved here so I could be better...and the upper respitory infections are not as bad, but everything else...Its the progression of the disease.
I want to say "Why me?" but I know better. "Why not me?" But It does not make my heart hurt any less. It does not make me cry any less to know that forever I am going to just get worse.
I just want to pretend everything is fine. That the drugs are not there. And the more I ignore it the more it is the elphant in the room. I feel like nobody understands that feeling. It is easy for others to pretend, because they are not going through it. But everytime I drop something, Everytime I realize I gained a few more pounds while dieting, everytime I take a step and miss and fall or everytime I look down and see one more black and blue mark....Its a little reminder that my life is different then everyone elses.
I have never had an easy life. And you know, I do not want a perfect life. I just want to pretend for a little while without all the little reminders. I just need a few minutes to where I am just a normal 32 year old women. Not someone who struggles with weight, walking, and holding on to an object. I just want to feel like I can do anything for a few minutes....without being reminded that I can not do the things most people can do. Is that really such a terrible thing to want?
You know, 80% of people who have Juvenile Rheamatoid ARthritis go into remission or thier disease goes away. Only 20% carry it into adulthood. Almost all have the RH factor. My mind says, You just did not beat the odds. But my heart wonders Why I had to be one of the 20%.
The other night in chat, some other members from the RA website were discussing that they did not feel there was enough research on RA. 28 years ago, they put me on 16 aspirian a day to deal with the pain and that was it. Today, I take an anti-rheamitic drug, prenisone treatments as needed, a once a day NSAID, and they are able to moniter it all easier and more effectively. I know there has been progress, but I also realize that in my life time they will not discover a cure.
My mom had lupus. It too is in the same family of diseases. She died at 41 from her disease. My nephew too has an auto-immune disease. There is a good chance that at least one of my children will have one. I just pray that they find a cure in thier lifetime. If you want more information, please go to the Arthritis Foundation Website. Support research for this disease. Please. Living with a Chronic condition effects every part of your everyday life.
Now, stepping off my soap box...My insurance set me up witha "nurse manager." Color me confused. I didnt ask for it, they just did it. I feel...hessitant. Call me skeptical, but after 28 years of living with a Chronic Condition, I just do not beleive that any insurance company is doing something for my own good. They make it sound like a wonderful thing, but...well, I just do not know.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Auggie of Old
I was posting a message on the board a friend set up for all of us Auggie "castaways," and It got me thinking about how I can let other old users know about that board.
One old friend posted there about 2 weeks ago, but it does not look like he has checked back in. I thought word of mouth would do it...or word of finger as the case may be. But that did not work. If you search Auggie bbs at Google, you get that page. But how to let others know who may not of thought to search. hmm...
I always meet auggie people in the strangest places. For a while I posted on a conservative invite only board. There was an old user from auggie there. She of course went by a different name.
Auggie was pretty unique. It cracks me up when I read things like this...
Eagles nest was the "angst" of Auggie. When the angsty got too angsty, they moved themselves over to Eagles Nest. There was a time, I seem to remember that eagles nest was not so angsty. More middle of the road. And then Auggie went one way and Eagles nest went the other. Eagles nest still is out there. For the Angsty. That group is still together. There are some people there who the husband or I still would consider friends. Others who we thought were our friends and yet others who we just have never gotten along with. But neither of us go there, although it is still out there.
This search also results this post. Billy was our Sysop for a long time. Until I guess we all grew up. One time Brian/The dear reddragon and Husband btw/ ask Billy to put on the welcome screen "Hope is a bearded blonde nympho with big feet. Mail her for details." They then took turns kicking me out of my account to read what strange men wrote to me in email.
One old friend posted there about 2 weeks ago, but it does not look like he has checked back in. I thought word of mouth would do it...or word of finger as the case may be. But that did not work. If you search Auggie bbs at Google, you get that page. But how to let others know who may not of thought to search. hmm...
I always meet auggie people in the strangest places. For a while I posted on a conservative invite only board. There was an old user from auggie there. She of course went by a different name.
Auggie was pretty unique. It cracks me up when I read things like this...
EBBS
(thing) by Xamot (9.1 mon) (print)
?
Sat Nov 13 1999 at 14:50:16
Eagle's
Nest BBS system. It is an Extension of the Mars Pirate BBS code
to enhance functionality and provide network access. Created by Raymod
Rocker a.k.a. TheRock.
Eagle's Nest BBS is a live bbs at
seabass.st.usm.edu. But EBBS is usually used to refer to the program that it
runs on. The program is also in use by other BBS's the most popular one is
probably Auggie BBS.
Eagles nest was the "angst" of Auggie. When the angsty got too angsty, they moved themselves over to Eagles Nest. There was a time, I seem to remember that eagles nest was not so angsty. More middle of the road. And then Auggie went one way and Eagles nest went the other. Eagles nest still is out there. For the Angsty. That group is still together. There are some people there who the husband or I still would consider friends. Others who we thought were our friends and yet others who we just have never gotten along with. But neither of us go there, although it is still out there.
This search also results this post. Billy was our Sysop for a long time. Until I guess we all grew up. One time Brian/The dear reddragon and Husband btw/ ask Billy to put on the welcome screen "Hope is a bearded blonde nympho with big feet. Mail her for details." They then took turns kicking me out of my account to read what strange men wrote to me in email.
The Internet Yellow Pages Second Edition By Harley Hahn & Rick Stout,
published by Osborne McGraw-Hill. Bill Schwartz, system manager, Auggie BBS
and
BBSLIST, Network Manager, 3M Corporation had this to say about this
book. "The
Internet Yellow Pages is an excellent guide to the Internet for
NET users of any
level. With this book, you will be able to find whatever
information you need,
quickly and easily. A terrific reference to have
sitting beside your desk late
at night. The completeness of this book will
surprise even the most seasoned NET
user.
It just amazes me how often auggie bbs comes up in searches. It is sad to see something that so obviously touched so many people online go away forever.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Evil Movie People - Class Action (2005)
They are filming a movie for the next two weeks here in my little town in southern New Mexico. They are here because of the mines. These people have just been wicked.
We personally have had to deal with several of them. And they have not been nice people. The lady who was suppose to organize the rooms for the "crew" has been fooling around and them blaming everyone else for her not doing her job.
She has called us at home several times to complain. This morning she got upset because my husband was not available to fix her little problem, she should of taken care of 3 months ago, because he went to church. Imagine. Gasp. Shock. What the heck does she think you are suppose to do on sunday mornings? I do not know where she comes from, but that is where you will find us if you need to on Sunday morning. Church. And actually, most of sunday afternoon as well if you are looking for me. I am the co-youth group director for my church.
Last thursday was my youngest 2nd birthday. Because of these movie people, we ended up not canceling her birthday party one time...but twice. And then, we ended up having cake with her about falling asleep in it late saturday night. These people think we should put our lives on hold and bow down to thier every need. They want everyone available to them in a moments notice.
Tonight, some guy knocks on my door at 9:30 pm...to ask who lives here. And then he goes on to explain he is from the movie company and that he wanted to know if we owned or rented. I mean, ARGH. We live on property because...gasp...suprise...my husband is the General Manager for the two propertys. Who the heck knocks on a strangers door at 9:30 at night!!! Freaking Insane people. My youngest daughter is screaming because she wants her daddy, who is at the hotel trying to check in these movie people. I feel like just banging my head against a wall here.
These people are not treating the citizens of this town with respect. They are treating us like little nobodys who should worship them because they are Hollywood. I am mad and frustrated. The stars are not even staying here. They are secluded away in another location. This is just the crew. And the worst part...all this over the last week....They did not even check in until tonight.
The people in town were so excited...I have heard more complaints about all this then I care to think about today. Our preacher suggested next time, they want to get a hold of us on a sunday morning, they join us for church.
We personally have had to deal with several of them. And they have not been nice people. The lady who was suppose to organize the rooms for the "crew" has been fooling around and them blaming everyone else for her not doing her job.
She has called us at home several times to complain. This morning she got upset because my husband was not available to fix her little problem, she should of taken care of 3 months ago, because he went to church. Imagine. Gasp. Shock. What the heck does she think you are suppose to do on sunday mornings? I do not know where she comes from, but that is where you will find us if you need to on Sunday morning. Church. And actually, most of sunday afternoon as well if you are looking for me. I am the co-youth group director for my church.
Last thursday was my youngest 2nd birthday. Because of these movie people, we ended up not canceling her birthday party one time...but twice. And then, we ended up having cake with her about falling asleep in it late saturday night. These people think we should put our lives on hold and bow down to thier every need. They want everyone available to them in a moments notice.
Tonight, some guy knocks on my door at 9:30 pm...to ask who lives here. And then he goes on to explain he is from the movie company and that he wanted to know if we owned or rented. I mean, ARGH. We live on property because...gasp...suprise...my husband is the General Manager for the two propertys. Who the heck knocks on a strangers door at 9:30 at night!!! Freaking Insane people. My youngest daughter is screaming because she wants her daddy, who is at the hotel trying to check in these movie people. I feel like just banging my head against a wall here.
These people are not treating the citizens of this town with respect. They are treating us like little nobodys who should worship them because they are Hollywood. I am mad and frustrated. The stars are not even staying here. They are secluded away in another location. This is just the crew. And the worst part...all this over the last week....They did not even check in until tonight.
The people in town were so excited...I have heard more complaints about all this then I care to think about today. Our preacher suggested next time, they want to get a hold of us on a sunday morning, they join us for church.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Jesus and Political Partys
There is some wacko website out there called Jesus is a liberal dot com. If you are really seeking to know God...do not go to this website. Go to the Bible.
Jesus was not of political party. In fact, he felt that people should follow thier government but that you should give to the government what was the governments and you should give to God what was God.
The bible talks about many issues. And while those issues today are held by one party or another. Jesus did not favor one over the other. In fact, Jesus gave Christians direction on how they should live thier lives. On some issues that is inline with conservatives and on some issues that is inline with liberals. But Jesus himself was not of political party.
Today in society, we are ok with just tearing pages out of the bible that we disagree with. But God did not give us His words, so we could pick and choose which parts we want to follow and which parts we want to ignore. The bible talks about homosexuality being wrong. But Jesus hung out with a lot of "undesireables." And when He saw sin, He told the person they were a sinner. But at the same time, He protected and loved them. But once they accepted Him, they did not continue in sin.
The bible talks about the roles of women and men. This was not "an option"...it is God's word. The bible talks about helping the poor. He talks about the churches role in helping all of God's children. Not the governments role, because He was not of Government. Jesus was of God.
The bible talks about being born again and being made anew. It talks about once you accept Christ your life is changed forever. You will be dead as you were before and born again. Simon was dead and Peter was born. You are changed in such a way, you can not possibly continue in sin.
The bible talks about Murder. It talks about forgiveness and how it is wrong to take a life. While the old testement talks about an eye for an eye, Jesus talks about turning the other cheek. The bible talks about learning to forgive, and judgeing not others. The bible also recongizes life in the womb. When Mary told of her meeting the angels, the baby of her friend "lept in the womb." Even that child could not contain the excitement for the Saviors coming. The bible tells us Jesus called fisherman to follow Him and lay down thier nets. And though He met soldiers, at no time did he tell them to "lay down their weapons." In fact, before translation the bible uses a different word for killing in war then killing as in murder.
Both political partys have picked up areas that are covered in the bible. But no one area takes preferance over another. Do not take my word on it either. Seek for yourself. The bible tells us "Seek and Ye Shall Find." The world may not like what the bible teaches us in every circumstance. But my favorite verse from the bible is this one....
John 16: 33"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me, you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
Jesus was not of political party. In fact, he felt that people should follow thier government but that you should give to the government what was the governments and you should give to God what was God.
The bible talks about many issues. And while those issues today are held by one party or another. Jesus did not favor one over the other. In fact, Jesus gave Christians direction on how they should live thier lives. On some issues that is inline with conservatives and on some issues that is inline with liberals. But Jesus himself was not of political party.
Today in society, we are ok with just tearing pages out of the bible that we disagree with. But God did not give us His words, so we could pick and choose which parts we want to follow and which parts we want to ignore. The bible talks about homosexuality being wrong. But Jesus hung out with a lot of "undesireables." And when He saw sin, He told the person they were a sinner. But at the same time, He protected and loved them. But once they accepted Him, they did not continue in sin.
The bible talks about the roles of women and men. This was not "an option"...it is God's word. The bible talks about helping the poor. He talks about the churches role in helping all of God's children. Not the governments role, because He was not of Government. Jesus was of God.
The bible talks about being born again and being made anew. It talks about once you accept Christ your life is changed forever. You will be dead as you were before and born again. Simon was dead and Peter was born. You are changed in such a way, you can not possibly continue in sin.
The bible talks about Murder. It talks about forgiveness and how it is wrong to take a life. While the old testement talks about an eye for an eye, Jesus talks about turning the other cheek. The bible talks about learning to forgive, and judgeing not others. The bible also recongizes life in the womb. When Mary told of her meeting the angels, the baby of her friend "lept in the womb." Even that child could not contain the excitement for the Saviors coming. The bible tells us Jesus called fisherman to follow Him and lay down thier nets. And though He met soldiers, at no time did he tell them to "lay down their weapons." In fact, before translation the bible uses a different word for killing in war then killing as in murder.
Both political partys have picked up areas that are covered in the bible. But no one area takes preferance over another. Do not take my word on it either. Seek for yourself. The bible tells us "Seek and Ye Shall Find." The world may not like what the bible teaches us in every circumstance. But my favorite verse from the bible is this one....
John 16: 33"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me, you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Home
I have lived in 9 states and 39 houses. I graduated from high school from the same town I was born in. I guess that makes it my hometown. I have always felt a little lost because I guess in some ways...there never was a home.
They say home is where your heart is, but...I do not trust my heart anymore. I guess maybe I never did.
I always thought that when I found "home" I would know it to be that. But It does not feel like I am ever going to find the one place I belong. The only commen thing that made a home most of my life was my mom. We did not have a "normal family." But my mom and my sister and I were as much as a family as we could get it. And we moved alot...but it was not the feeling of a house or belonging that made it home. It was a feeling of being in there together...because there was nobody else.
And now, without mom, I feel a lot lost. I have a family of sorts again because I have my children. And I do what I do for them not out of some responsibility but out of all the love I have in my heart. But in my son's 5 year old life, He has already lived in 3 states. He will be the best traveled kid in his kindergarden class this fall.
When I am faced with the challenge of trying to find out where I am to turn in a moment of trouble, I realize quickly...I have no home to return to. There is no safe place. No place to take my pain. The only place I have to take my pain is to go to God in prayer. I guess in the long run, that is the best place to turn. He will make me a home with Him, if I give it all to Him. And yet, the pain still drives me to my knees.
They say home is where your heart is, but...I do not trust my heart anymore. I guess maybe I never did.
I always thought that when I found "home" I would know it to be that. But It does not feel like I am ever going to find the one place I belong. The only commen thing that made a home most of my life was my mom. We did not have a "normal family." But my mom and my sister and I were as much as a family as we could get it. And we moved alot...but it was not the feeling of a house or belonging that made it home. It was a feeling of being in there together...because there was nobody else.
And now, without mom, I feel a lot lost. I have a family of sorts again because I have my children. And I do what I do for them not out of some responsibility but out of all the love I have in my heart. But in my son's 5 year old life, He has already lived in 3 states. He will be the best traveled kid in his kindergarden class this fall.
When I am faced with the challenge of trying to find out where I am to turn in a moment of trouble, I realize quickly...I have no home to return to. There is no safe place. No place to take my pain. The only place I have to take my pain is to go to God in prayer. I guess in the long run, that is the best place to turn. He will make me a home with Him, if I give it all to Him. And yet, the pain still drives me to my knees.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Love, Trust and Other Things that Break Your Heart
I do everything wrong. Nothing in my life has ever happened in the right order. Actually, not much good has happened in my life. I do not trust easy. Only once have I really opened myself up to trust another. And now, I feel like that trust....that trust that took me years to get to this point took a giant step backwards tonight.
A slip of the eye. A forgotten password. A scanning through unread mail. It seems like such an insignificant thing. And yet, It is killing me inside.
I thought it was me. After all, everyone in my life has left at some point. No one has ever bothered to love me enough to stay. I guess some things never change.
It is the non communcation that bothers me the most. I am just that type of person. I need to talk through what I feel. But, there is no one to talk to. I could call my sister but it is almost 1 am there. Besides, she can not handle one more thing right now. I am the big sister. It is my job to take care of her, not burden her with my insignificant life.
The irony. The day after tomorrow is a bad anniversary. It is the day I tried to kill myself. I took a hand full of pills. It has been 11 years. I still am overwhelmed with the need of that time to just make the pain end. Tired of takign care of everyone else and no one even caring if my needs were met. I guess somethings never really change. I am not going to take a handful of pills this time. I guess that is something. I do not want to die, I guess I just feel like soon I will be starting all over again.
He ask me "How would you feel if you were me." And I wanted to say "Loved." But it would not come out. But is it enough love to do what is best for everyone but me? That is what my life has been about. Doing what is best for everyone else. My whole life has been about everyone but me. I feel so insignificant. I do not even have anyone to talk to about it. How freaking sad am I?
It was doomed before today. Always has been. Everyone was right. And again I am wrong. A failure. Gee, there is nothing new. There has not been much I was a success at. Nothing, actually.
And he blamed me. I had hard proof, and he blamed me. For months I felt like I was doing something wrong. I was not sure what, but that I just was not good enough. And he blamed me for things he had done. It is all my fault. Like I said though, isnt everything?
I want to get in my car and drive for days. Maybe I knew this was all going to happen. My ulcer is bothering me so bad this week. Maybe it was a sign and I missed it because I didn't want to see. Maybe.... Maybe....Maybe....
I feel so numb. I know when the numb wears off, then the pain will really begin. But right now, I feel overwhelmed with the lies I told to cover all the truths. The blame I have taken for not being good enough. And the lonely world I have allowed myself to be pushed into. Just numb. I can not sleep. I am not hungry. I can not even really see straight. I feel overwhelmed with what I have to do now. I will never be able to trust again. Never. Maybe that is what I am most sad about. My trust was this fragile flower...and it has been stomped upon and has turned to ashes. It is never coming back. That part of me just died. The soil will no longer grow anything. No part of me will ever grow another thing.
No where to turn, no where to go. No one to talk to, and no place to belong anymore. Just hard decisions to make and a numbness that will not allow me to accept any of the decisions to be made right now. And yet, I still worry and I still love. God, What a freaking fool I am.
Fool. Idiot. Failure. And most importantly, Never good enough. Never. Like the world needed further proof.
A slip of the eye. A forgotten password. A scanning through unread mail. It seems like such an insignificant thing. And yet, It is killing me inside.
I thought it was me. After all, everyone in my life has left at some point. No one has ever bothered to love me enough to stay. I guess some things never change.
It is the non communcation that bothers me the most. I am just that type of person. I need to talk through what I feel. But, there is no one to talk to. I could call my sister but it is almost 1 am there. Besides, she can not handle one more thing right now. I am the big sister. It is my job to take care of her, not burden her with my insignificant life.
The irony. The day after tomorrow is a bad anniversary. It is the day I tried to kill myself. I took a hand full of pills. It has been 11 years. I still am overwhelmed with the need of that time to just make the pain end. Tired of takign care of everyone else and no one even caring if my needs were met. I guess somethings never really change. I am not going to take a handful of pills this time. I guess that is something. I do not want to die, I guess I just feel like soon I will be starting all over again.
He ask me "How would you feel if you were me." And I wanted to say "Loved." But it would not come out. But is it enough love to do what is best for everyone but me? That is what my life has been about. Doing what is best for everyone else. My whole life has been about everyone but me. I feel so insignificant. I do not even have anyone to talk to about it. How freaking sad am I?
It was doomed before today. Always has been. Everyone was right. And again I am wrong. A failure. Gee, there is nothing new. There has not been much I was a success at. Nothing, actually.
And he blamed me. I had hard proof, and he blamed me. For months I felt like I was doing something wrong. I was not sure what, but that I just was not good enough. And he blamed me for things he had done. It is all my fault. Like I said though, isnt everything?
I want to get in my car and drive for days. Maybe I knew this was all going to happen. My ulcer is bothering me so bad this week. Maybe it was a sign and I missed it because I didn't want to see. Maybe.... Maybe....Maybe....
I feel so numb. I know when the numb wears off, then the pain will really begin. But right now, I feel overwhelmed with the lies I told to cover all the truths. The blame I have taken for not being good enough. And the lonely world I have allowed myself to be pushed into. Just numb. I can not sleep. I am not hungry. I can not even really see straight. I feel overwhelmed with what I have to do now. I will never be able to trust again. Never. Maybe that is what I am most sad about. My trust was this fragile flower...and it has been stomped upon and has turned to ashes. It is never coming back. That part of me just died. The soil will no longer grow anything. No part of me will ever grow another thing.
No where to turn, no where to go. No one to talk to, and no place to belong anymore. Just hard decisions to make and a numbness that will not allow me to accept any of the decisions to be made right now. And yet, I still worry and I still love. God, What a freaking fool I am.
Fool. Idiot. Failure. And most importantly, Never good enough. Never. Like the world needed further proof.
Digital Scrapbooks
So, I do scrapbooking. Recently I discovered Digital scrapbooking. So, I started my own blog of my pages. It only has a few images there now. More will be added later. I have to say Photobucket's "blog this" item is really cool. It sure makes life easy.
So, Check out my Digital Scrapbook blog. There are so many cool things to do out there on the web and using your computer.
I love making images and fooling around with them. Here is my sig file at The Parents Perspective. It is a website for parents and others. They have boards on a ton of topics. You do not have to be a parent to go there. And thier debate forums are pretty good. I "mod" 3 boards there. If you are a crafter or a gamer or are part of Mops/Moms Club Int. Come on by. I would love to have you join one of my boards.
So, Check out my Digital Scrapbook blog. There are so many cool things to do out there on the web and using your computer.
I love making images and fooling around with them. Here is my sig file at The Parents Perspective. It is a website for parents and others. They have boards on a ton of topics. You do not have to be a parent to go there. And thier debate forums are pretty good. I "mod" 3 boards there. If you are a crafter or a gamer or are part of Mops/Moms Club Int. Come on by. I would love to have you join one of my boards.
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