Home

I have lived in 9 states and 39 houses. I graduated from high school from the same town I was born in. I guess that makes it my hometown. I have always felt a little lost because I guess in some ways...there never was a home.

They say home is where your heart is, but...I do not trust my heart anymore. I guess maybe I never did.

I always thought that when I found "home" I would know it to be that. But It does not feel like I am ever going to find the one place I belong. The only commen thing that made a home most of my life was my mom. We did not have a "normal family." But my mom and my sister and I were as much as a family as we could get it. And we moved alot...but it was not the feeling of a house or belonging that made it home. It was a feeling of being in there together...because there was nobody else.

And now, without mom, I feel a lot lost. I have a family of sorts again because I have my children. And I do what I do for them not out of some responsibility but out of all the love I have in my heart. But in my son's 5 year old life, He has already lived in 3 states. He will be the best traveled kid in his kindergarden class this fall.

When I am faced with the challenge of trying to find out where I am to turn in a moment of trouble, I realize quickly...I have no home to return to. There is no safe place. No place to take my pain. The only place I have to take my pain is to go to God in prayer. I guess in the long run, that is the best place to turn. He will make me a home with Him, if I give it all to Him. And yet, the pain still drives me to my knees.