I do everything wrong. Nothing in my life has ever happened in the right order. Actually, not much good has happened in my life. I do not trust easy. Only once have I really opened myself up to trust another. And now, I feel like that trust....that trust that took me years to get to this point took a giant step backwards tonight.
A slip of the eye. A forgotten password. A scanning through unread mail. It seems like such an insignificant thing. And yet, It is killing me inside.
I thought it was me. After all, everyone in my life has left at some point. No one has ever bothered to love me enough to stay. I guess some things never change.
It is the non communcation that bothers me the most. I am just that type of person. I need to talk through what I feel. But, there is no one to talk to. I could call my sister but it is almost 1 am there. Besides, she can not handle one more thing right now. I am the big sister. It is my job to take care of her, not burden her with my insignificant life.
The irony. The day after tomorrow is a bad anniversary. It is the day I tried to kill myself. I took a hand full of pills. It has been 11 years. I still am overwhelmed with the need of that time to just make the pain end. Tired of takign care of everyone else and no one even caring if my needs were met. I guess somethings never really change. I am not going to take a handful of pills this time. I guess that is something. I do not want to die, I guess I just feel like soon I will be starting all over again.
He ask me "How would you feel if you were me." And I wanted to say "Loved." But it would not come out. But is it enough love to do what is best for everyone but me? That is what my life has been about. Doing what is best for everyone else. My whole life has been about everyone but me. I feel so insignificant. I do not even have anyone to talk to about it. How freaking sad am I?
It was doomed before today. Always has been. Everyone was right. And again I am wrong. A failure. Gee, there is nothing new. There has not been much I was a success at. Nothing, actually.
And he blamed me. I had hard proof, and he blamed me. For months I felt like I was doing something wrong. I was not sure what, but that I just was not good enough. And he blamed me for things he had done. It is all my fault. Like I said though, isnt everything?
I want to get in my car and drive for days. Maybe I knew this was all going to happen. My ulcer is bothering me so bad this week. Maybe it was a sign and I missed it because I didn't want to see. Maybe.... Maybe....Maybe....
I feel so numb. I know when the numb wears off, then the pain will really begin. But right now, I feel overwhelmed with the lies I told to cover all the truths. The blame I have taken for not being good enough. And the lonely world I have allowed myself to be pushed into. Just numb. I can not sleep. I am not hungry. I can not even really see straight. I feel overwhelmed with what I have to do now. I will never be able to trust again. Never. Maybe that is what I am most sad about. My trust was this fragile flower...and it has been stomped upon and has turned to ashes. It is never coming back. That part of me just died. The soil will no longer grow anything. No part of me will ever grow another thing.
No where to turn, no where to go. No one to talk to, and no place to belong anymore. Just hard decisions to make and a numbness that will not allow me to accept any of the decisions to be made right now. And yet, I still worry and I still love. God, What a freaking fool I am.
Fool. Idiot. Failure. And most importantly, Never good enough. Never. Like the world needed further proof.
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