Little Reminders

I have a Chronic Illness. I try really hard to pretend it is not real. lol. What a Joke.

Tonight I dropped a 20 pack of diet Cokes all over the floor at the check out of walmart. The burst open and went flying in different directions. The falling and dropping things are the most constant reminders of my illness. It is so embarrassing. But beyond how it appears to others, How it makes me feel out weighs all that. The frustration of dropping things and having to constantly clean up the mess of dropping it. The frustration of having to start all over again a million times. The frustration of not being "normal."

Add to it falling all over the place. Normal people do not take a step only to have thier knee not lock and you fall down. Normal people are not covered by black and blue marks that tell the story of each fall. Normal people are not covered with black and blue marks because someone leaned against them too hard.

I hate the disease. I hate what it is doing to me. I hate That I am trying to lose some of this freaking weight and I just cant. I exercise twice a day everyday and I can not lose one freaking pound even when I eat under 700 calories a day total. I hate that I can not get control of my weight. I hate that no matter what I do I can not lose any of it and gain weight when I am excercising and not eating. I hate because I have thyroid problems I can not take Diet Pills. Diet and exercise are NOT working. They just are NOT. The doctor keeps telling me to be patiant. But I can not. And the only thing I can figure is that the pills I take to help the Rheamatoid Arthritis are actually causing me to gain weight...or my thyroid meds are not at the right level. But he just freaking did the TSH level and it was fine. I am so freaking frustrated I just want to scream.

Everything is a reminder to me that I can not lose the weight. It is a constant reminder to me that I can not do high power excercises and have to stick to what is safe for my RA when I am constantly falling or dropping things.

My whole life is going to be like this. I am 32 years old. Only 32 years old and my whole life is going to be like this forever. Forever! Of course, I will be dead from either a heartattack because of being overweight, or my thyroid will just be too off, or bleeding from the ulcers caused by already being on NSAIDS for 28 years, or some other problem.

I thought about trying to seek out a group, but in this small community...I am just not sure there are support groups for people with Chronic Illnesses. We moved here so I could be better...and the upper respitory infections are not as bad, but everything else...Its the progression of the disease.

I want to say "Why me?" but I know better. "Why not me?" But It does not make my heart hurt any less. It does not make me cry any less to know that forever I am going to just get worse.

I just want to pretend everything is fine. That the drugs are not there. And the more I ignore it the more it is the elphant in the room. I feel like nobody understands that feeling. It is easy for others to pretend, because they are not going through it. But everytime I drop something, Everytime I realize I gained a few more pounds while dieting, everytime I take a step and miss and fall or everytime I look down and see one more black and blue mark....Its a little reminder that my life is different then everyone elses.

I have never had an easy life. And you know, I do not want a perfect life. I just want to pretend for a little while without all the little reminders. I just need a few minutes to where I am just a normal 32 year old women. Not someone who struggles with weight, walking, and holding on to an object. I just want to feel like I can do anything for a few minutes....without being reminded that I can not do the things most people can do. Is that really such a terrible thing to want?

You know, 80% of people who have Juvenile Rheamatoid ARthritis go into remission or thier disease goes away. Only 20% carry it into adulthood. Almost all have the RH factor. My mind says, You just did not beat the odds. But my heart wonders Why I had to be one of the 20%.

The other night in chat, some other members from the RA website were discussing that they did not feel there was enough research on RA. 28 years ago, they put me on 16 aspirian a day to deal with the pain and that was it. Today, I take an anti-rheamitic drug, prenisone treatments as needed, a once a day NSAID, and they are able to moniter it all easier and more effectively. I know there has been progress, but I also realize that in my life time they will not discover a cure.

My mom had lupus. It too is in the same family of diseases. She died at 41 from her disease. My nephew too has an auto-immune disease. There is a good chance that at least one of my children will have one. I just pray that they find a cure in thier lifetime. If you want more information, please go to the Arthritis Foundation Website. Support research for this disease. Please. Living with a Chronic condition effects every part of your everyday life.

Now, stepping off my soap box...My insurance set me up witha "nurse manager." Color me confused. I didnt ask for it, they just did it. I feel...hessitant. Call me skeptical, but after 28 years of living with a Chronic Condition, I just do not beleive that any insurance company is doing something for my own good. They make it sound like a wonderful thing, but...well, I just do not know.