Mona Lisa Smile

Last night, I could not sleep and lay in bed watching this movie. A million thoughts were going through my head.

I did NOT go to Wellsley, But I did go to an all womens college...rooted deep in the history of the education of women. My choice school was a small all Women's college in Maryland. Our brother school was the United States Naval Academy. College was one of the happiest times of my life, but I look back now and see that it was not about just getting an education.

That movie showed traditions as though they were a bad thing. And yes, many of those traditions held women back. But they were what I sought comfort in while a student. I was not like many of my classmates. They were the daughters of privilage, and I was one of 4 students in the whole school with as much finacial need as I got. I earned that help and the right to go thier through academic and community achievements. But still, I knew I did not belong among the rest. And yet, the chance to partake in those traditions...It was a dream come true.

It was so hard, and yet, I still feel like I squandered away this gift I was given. I often refer to these types of schools as "pressure cooker's". Because there is drive to be perfect. To compete against the brightest and to always succeed. You will be a success if you can get through. Drop out and Fail out rates sky rocket. I have friends who failed out of this school and went on to have 4.0 at state universities. But with a class size norm of 10, every class is discussion. Every test is an essay. Every paper is read and reread. They are preparing leaders.

When I was young, one of my favorite quotes was "Lead, Follow or Get out of the Way." That was my life. I was destined for greatness, to overcome all that I had failed to have. I was the one who was going to have it better. I was going to buy my mom a house; so, she never had to work again. She had worked so hard her whole life to provide. And I wanted to give her that. What I wanted, and what she wanted for me were different things. But I never let on that they were so different. Maybe I should of told her. Maybe I should of told her that was not my dream. And yet, that is where I was suppose to be. Would I have gotten more out of it? Would it have been less of a pressure cooker?

When she died, Law School... it was a dream I had been fighting forever. She wanted me to make money...so first I chosen enviromental law....then..I switched majors from biochemistry to history with a sociology minor and wanted to choose family law. She worked 3 jobs, the idea of making money and being successful...I was suppose to save everyone. To bring it back to my community...to them. And I failed in that way, because it was not my dream.

I wanted to be a senator, and this school was the way to get to that dream. But I can hear her words too, "You are too honest to be a politician." I met such powerful people through getting that chance to go there. I remember the first field trip into Washington DC. You should of seen me. I was alive talking about it a month later at Thanksgiving. I sparkled. My mom's "bosses" and friends said, it made me alive. By the time I was a senior and sat in a Senators office and watched him sell out the people from his state by agreeing to vote against an issue he ran on that would be good for the state...I had lost my sparkle. The illusion of wealth and power had become a bit less shiney.

Maybe by then I had just realized, I did not belong. That I was still standing at the window looking in. I did what I was suppose to...only the men I picked... While they would one day be very successful, were like me. The ones looking in. Make no mistake, I dated too the ones who were on the inside, but I never found enough in commen with them to have a lasting relationship. Every Hood Girl Dates a middie, my longest relationship was with a son of migrant workers from Mexico.

And yet, I look back and wonder now what I could have done different. I had this one professor who influenced me so much. My senior year, he said, that I had lost that light. When I had him as a freshman, I remember the light. The day I laid into an african-american student who was going to sit there and tell me about growing up "poor" when her father made over a million dollars a year. My tution was more in a year, then my mother made working 3 jobs. By my senior year, I had lost that "light"...and the desire to go to law school...to do anything that would make me a success.

I love being a mom, I do. But part of me always remembers I was marked for greatness. I often wonder what it is that is missing. There is a shame associated with that failure to succeed. To be one of the few given a chance to overcome, and to be....well, Just a mom. I guess, I just feel like I let so many people down. Even that professor who time after time, had marked me for greatness as well.

Was it ever my dream? Did I fail to reach my dream, or Did I just fail to reach everyone elses for me?