Moments and My own life

Title: Emerson Drive - Moments lyrics

Artist: Emerson Drive

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I've had my moments
I've had my moments

Everytime I hear this song lately it leaves me reflective of my own life. I have not been all that happy lately. I feel kind of stuck here in Louisiana. I hate the school system. I want so much better and different for my kids. The house we are renting is falling down around us. We dont care for our church, so we found a new one. Only, they got a new preacher and we are not real thrilled with him. In the year we have been here, Not one person has really made us feel welcomed here. They are all friendly enough, the south is known for thier friendly people....but Making a person feel welcome is not the same as being friendly enough.

I do not like the person I am most days. I was reading a book earlier, and it made me realize that I have not been real crazy about the person I have been for a while. The person my kids see, is not that person who used to shine. I just do not know how to fix it. To be that person again.

I had my moments in the sun. The first time I sang a solo in church on Christmas Eve, with the church barely lit during midnight mass. Singing about the birth of our Lord and Savior. Graduating from high school, and getting a special award from the school. An Award, I or my parents had no clue I was getting. The Principal stood there and said the nicest things about me, Telling everyone how much I had done. Standing on the stage doing social issues improv theather. Having all those people watch me and be focused on me and know from things they said, it made a differance. Talking to someone about rape, and helping them through it, and knowing I made a differance. The day my children were born, holding them in my arms, watching them grow...knowing everything they needed to survive they took from me.

Sometimes I regret deeply putting my health ahead of having more children. I wanted more. I really did. But the last pregnancy was so hard with my arthritis. Instead of going into remission, it got worse. They wanted me to start these new drug thearpys to fight it....the numbness in my arms. I was afraid all the time of dropping the kids. I had to do something. And the bedrest during the pregnancies. It put so much on everyone else. Not having a family ready to jump and help of my own...it put a lot on Brian's family. His mom, Dad...and expecially him. I started to feel like a burden...sometimes I guess I still do.

Sometimes, that seems to stop me from having any special moments. Sometimes, I think it is the fear of everything that has happened. Losing my mom, worrying that I will die like her. Those babies I lost in the 2nd trimester of my pregnancies. A future I had all planned out and never reaching that goal....and now too afraid to try. The babies I will never have or hold. I love my 3 wonderful children. They are blessings to my life. But I mourn for those babies that died, and those that wont be because of my RA too. The depression lately has just wrapped around me and taken hold. I know it is just that it is July. 12 years since my first baby died at only 11 and 1/2 weeks into the pregnancy. 12 Birthdays for my mom since she died. She would of been 53 this year.

Since she died, The only moments have been about the kids. Maybe that is the way it is suppose to be. Please, God....dont let me miss one of thier moments.