Stuck

Well, I guess we are going to be here another year. A year ago, I said I would not stay here past a year. I was so unhappy with the school, with just everything. And now, I am looking at going onto another year here. I can not say I am happy about it. Actually, I would describe it close to uncontrollable panic and fear and anger.

I just want to get in my car and drive away. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I do not have anyone I can talk to about it. I do not want Brian to feel bad about us being stuck here. He has made an honest effort to get us out of here. He applied for 2 different transfers in the last month. Both times the company had a person picked to fill the job before it was even posted. And nothing has been opening up. I just did not want to be here when school starts. And now, school starts in less then a month.

At church on sunday, the lady was trying to be nice....But she was asking about us moving so much, and we basically told her we just dont know when or if we get to move. She said, you could always leave your industry to find another job to stay here. I swear, I felt the panic swell up in my chest. I just want to get out of here so bad.

Maybe I just need to go home. I wonder how much it would cost to just take the kids and go home to see my family. Just a little time there. Brian is afraid everytime I get in the car I wont come home lately. I do not blame him. I have a hard time making myself come home.

I just want to fly away. I feel like there is no hope, no future, no nothing. Just this darkness that has moved in and sat on my chest and is keeping me from really breathing. I so hate that feeling of depression. That sinking feeling that feels like it is a beast coming in and taking over my body. I just want to start running now, and maybe I can outrun it before it totally grips me. I just want to run fast and far. I just want to out run the darkness.