Me

Me

i look in the mirror
and yet, ...do not see my own reflection
my image of me is one of the past
i see before someone i do not know
yet fear all the while
she is my mother in so many ways
that it makes me weep
and i float away on my own tears

back to a land of memories
of old and young and good and bad
i see myself then and imagine myself now
a grown up me still....searching for that lost childhood

the mirror image tells me she is me.
and i am confused and alarmed
my panic rises and my thoughts are lost
i begin the ride of my own fears

i see flashes of my past within the new
the past pain floods my being and overwhelms me
my heart races like a speeding bullet
and yet, the old ways to calm myself are there

the image has eyes to make you cry
within thier depths lie pain and sorror
her feelings and pain a symbol of her life
and yet....all the while she crys

i do not know the image i see
my fear hides her away
the tears i cry blur her vision
and the memories escape to a childhood of long ago
once again the saddness rules
and the image is no longer mine


slthomas

To My Angels

To My Angels

though you may not walk among me
your always by my side
your never from my thoughts
from you my tears i do not hide
you will never walk with others
and no one else will know your touch
you were so alive to me
and i love you very much
today i sat and thought of you
i cried a mothers tears
i dreamed of holding you in my arms
of lifes hopes and fears
but you walk among the angels
you sing thier joyful song
you touch my heart when i need you
and never leave me long
i walk lifes bitter path
and count my angels three
i shut my eyes and see
in my heart your always with me
s.l.thomas

How Quick 11 Years Goes By

Tomorrow is a sad anniversary for me. It will be 11 years since I miscarried my first baby. I was 11 and 1/2 weeks along, when I started bleeding and miscarried. I was home alone at the time. I have never felt so alone as I did that morning. And Even though I have had 3 other children...They do not really replace that child, or the other children I would lose after that one. It doesnt erase the hurt of that one baby, Who I dreamed of. Who I made plans for. I would have a 10 year old right now. It is suppose to hurt less as time goes on, but it doesnt. That hurt just stays right there.

Life Is All Wrong -Mid Week Epistole By Jim Massey

Life is All Wrong

An older gentleman was driving down the freeway, and his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"

“Hey," said Herman, "it's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!"

Maybe if it seems like you are going the wrong way in life, you need to look at the direction you are taking. Maybe you are going against God's guidance and love.

Loving Father, turn our hearts back to the way that You have for us. Do not let us destroy all that You have blessed us with because we have made a wrong turn in life. Come and guide us once again, in Christ's name we pray. Amen.

This has been Rev. Jim Massey. Join me next week and we will see about the way God fills a vessel.

A New Future

Yesterday, a whole new generation was born. Chloie Rafferty Entered the world. She was 6lbs and 12.5oz.

A few Pictures.


Aunt Kaylyn and Chloie


Aunt Brittany and Chloie

I remember when they were just that small. *sniff sniff* doesn't seem like Matt Should be a dad. What a Blessing from God.

Stuck

Well, I guess we are going to be here another year. A year ago, I said I would not stay here past a year. I was so unhappy with the school, with just everything. And now, I am looking at going onto another year here. I can not say I am happy about it. Actually, I would describe it close to uncontrollable panic and fear and anger.

I just want to get in my car and drive away. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I do not have anyone I can talk to about it. I do not want Brian to feel bad about us being stuck here. He has made an honest effort to get us out of here. He applied for 2 different transfers in the last month. Both times the company had a person picked to fill the job before it was even posted. And nothing has been opening up. I just did not want to be here when school starts. And now, school starts in less then a month.

At church on sunday, the lady was trying to be nice....But she was asking about us moving so much, and we basically told her we just dont know when or if we get to move. She said, you could always leave your industry to find another job to stay here. I swear, I felt the panic swell up in my chest. I just want to get out of here so bad.

Maybe I just need to go home. I wonder how much it would cost to just take the kids and go home to see my family. Just a little time there. Brian is afraid everytime I get in the car I wont come home lately. I do not blame him. I have a hard time making myself come home.

I just want to fly away. I feel like there is no hope, no future, no nothing. Just this darkness that has moved in and sat on my chest and is keeping me from really breathing. I so hate that feeling of depression. That sinking feeling that feels like it is a beast coming in and taking over my body. I just want to start running now, and maybe I can outrun it before it totally grips me. I just want to run fast and far. I just want to out run the darkness.

Mid Week Epistole - Desert Enticement by Jim Massey

Desert Enticement

A new translation of Hosea 2:14 says: "I will entice you into the desert and there I will speak to you in the depths of your heart."

What could God entice you into the desert with? Material things would slowly waste away. Much like an old prospector that is dying of thirst, the sun parches your throat and will eventually bleach your bones.

What about Ezekiel looking out over the valley of dry bones? What would God use to entice him into the desert? God used the action of the Holy Spirit. When Ezekiel prophesied to the bones, God brought bone to bone and sinew to sinew and then he blew into them the breath of life.

That is what happens to people in the Bible when God comes into their lives. In the desert wanderings of life, they become more than just an empty bag of old bones, rattling around with no meaning or purpose. What God used to entice His children into the deserts of time was Himself.

O God, entice us into the deserts of our souls. There are so many places in our lives where we feel empty and alone. Come there and breathe a new breath into our spirits. Draw us deeper into Your love and will for we ask this in the blessed name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

This has been Rev. Jim Massey. Join me next week and we will see the way in which life seems all wrong.

Parable of the Old Mule

Once there was a farmer who owned an old mule. One day the mule fell into the farmer's well and the farmer heard the mule 'praying' or whatever mules do when they fall into wells.

After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving.

Instead, he called his neighbors together, told them what had happened and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back, a thought struck him. It dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back HE COULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow. "Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!",

He repeated this to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him actually helped him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.

THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity ...THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE VERY REAL POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT US! "Never be afraid to try something new.

"Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."

Also, remember, more importantly, that when God is for us, who can be against us

A Blog Thing -What's your Love Style

This one is kind of freaky because it is really me. I am friends with almost every one of my ex's.

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind (You've been known to still have connections with exes) But sometimes your love is not the most passionate Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

What's Your Love Style?

How do you think?

My score on The 4-Variable IQ Test:

Your brain: 120% interpersonal, 120% visual, 40% verbal, and 120% mathematical!

Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers.


Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:
Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.

Link: The 4-Variable IQ Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

Pictures

This is my great great grandfather and his 2 sisters and his mother.



This is my Great Great Grandfather and Great Great Grandmother.



This is my Grandma and Grandpap. My Grandpap is the grandson of the Great great Grandparents featured in these photos.

Where We Come From

I have been spending a lot of time lately looking into my ancestory. I can go back in many cases to the early 1700's...and in a few cases much earlier. It amazes me to see where I came from, who I am, and who those before me were. What they did, How they lived, etc.

My family can trace its roots back in my hometown to the first settlers in the area. They crossed back and forth between that area from West Virginia, to Maryland to right on the border in Pennsylvania for over 200 years. I feel lately a little guilty for being the one to break away from that. But there are just not jobs there. No way to make a living. I would do anything to go home again...But atlast, that is one place we all can never go.

Some pictures to share...

My Great Grandma Gallagher with 3 of her siblings. She is the 3rd woman pictured. Madeline Wyndham Gallagher

Mid Week Epistole By Jim Massey - Are You Waving Your Lantern?

Are You Waving Your Lantern?

In 1891 a train company was being sued because a person had been killed at a train crossing. The plaintiff's lawyer interrogated the night watchman at the crossing. When asked if he was on duty, he responded in the affirmative.

"Did you have a lantern?" Again the answer was yes.

"Did you wave the lantern?" Again the same answer. His testimony was so convincing that the plaintiff lost the case. Afterwards, the president of the company congratulated the watchman, telling him that his testimony had saved the company a great deal of money, and that he would be compensated accordingly. The president then asked the watchman, "Were you nervous on the stand?"

"Well, sir, I was a bit afraid they would ask if my lantern was lit." There are many people in the world today trying to wave the Word of God in the face of danger, and what we find is that the light of God is not lit in their own hearts. That is the true danger - telling others about Christ and not knowing Him yourself.

Loving Father, do not let our words ring empty, but let them be filled with all the power of the Holy Spirit that dwells in our hearts. Let our lives be true lights for all to see, and let us help others turn from danger to salvation through Your Son Jesus Christ. Amen.

This has been Rev. Jim Massey. Join me next week and we will talk about the way the desert can entice us.

Moments and My own life

Title: Emerson Drive - Moments lyrics

Artist: Emerson Drive

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I've had my moments
I've had my moments

Everytime I hear this song lately it leaves me reflective of my own life. I have not been all that happy lately. I feel kind of stuck here in Louisiana. I hate the school system. I want so much better and different for my kids. The house we are renting is falling down around us. We dont care for our church, so we found a new one. Only, they got a new preacher and we are not real thrilled with him. In the year we have been here, Not one person has really made us feel welcomed here. They are all friendly enough, the south is known for thier friendly people....but Making a person feel welcome is not the same as being friendly enough.

I do not like the person I am most days. I was reading a book earlier, and it made me realize that I have not been real crazy about the person I have been for a while. The person my kids see, is not that person who used to shine. I just do not know how to fix it. To be that person again.

I had my moments in the sun. The first time I sang a solo in church on Christmas Eve, with the church barely lit during midnight mass. Singing about the birth of our Lord and Savior. Graduating from high school, and getting a special award from the school. An Award, I or my parents had no clue I was getting. The Principal stood there and said the nicest things about me, Telling everyone how much I had done. Standing on the stage doing social issues improv theather. Having all those people watch me and be focused on me and know from things they said, it made a differance. Talking to someone about rape, and helping them through it, and knowing I made a differance. The day my children were born, holding them in my arms, watching them grow...knowing everything they needed to survive they took from me.

Sometimes I regret deeply putting my health ahead of having more children. I wanted more. I really did. But the last pregnancy was so hard with my arthritis. Instead of going into remission, it got worse. They wanted me to start these new drug thearpys to fight it....the numbness in my arms. I was afraid all the time of dropping the kids. I had to do something. And the bedrest during the pregnancies. It put so much on everyone else. Not having a family ready to jump and help of my own...it put a lot on Brian's family. His mom, Dad...and expecially him. I started to feel like a burden...sometimes I guess I still do.

Sometimes, that seems to stop me from having any special moments. Sometimes, I think it is the fear of everything that has happened. Losing my mom, worrying that I will die like her. Those babies I lost in the 2nd trimester of my pregnancies. A future I had all planned out and never reaching that goal....and now too afraid to try. The babies I will never have or hold. I love my 3 wonderful children. They are blessings to my life. But I mourn for those babies that died, and those that wont be because of my RA too. The depression lately has just wrapped around me and taken hold. I know it is just that it is July. 12 years since my first baby died at only 11 and 1/2 weeks into the pregnancy. 12 Birthdays for my mom since she died. She would of been 53 this year.

Since she died, The only moments have been about the kids. Maybe that is the way it is suppose to be. Please, God....dont let me miss one of thier moments.

The West

This poem is one of my favorites. It was written by E. A. (Earl Alonzo) Brininstool, who was born in 1870. Something about this poem calls to my soul and expresses a feeling that I hold deep inside my heart.

The Poem is called, The West.

The West

When you have lived out in the West,
Till it becomes a part of you,
And you've a feeling in your breast
No other spot on earth will do;
When you can call the desert home,
And love the ranges vast and drear,
Then every butte and rocky dome,
And stretch of sage will grow more dear.

When every flaming sunset seems
To hold you by a magic spell,
And you have visions in your dreams
Of mesa tops and chaparral;
And when the rolling prairie land
You love more than the city street,
Then shall you know and understand
The charm which draws your eager feet.

When all God's great out-of-doors
You worship with a new delight;
When rocky ridge and canyon floors,
Show added wonders day and night;
When wide, free plains seem reaching out
To welcome you with open arms,
You will have learned, without a doubt,
The secret of the great West's charms.

When you can ride each lengthening trail
Without a sense of loneliness;
When every coulee, draw and swale
Hold beauties which you may possess;
When you can read the starry Skies
Beneath which you lie down to rest,
Then shall you know and realize
The fascination of the West!

From Trail Dust of a Maverick, 1914

Understand Freedom -Mid Week Epistole by Jim Massey

Understand Freedom!

As we once again draw near to celebrating the birth of our great nation, I am reminded of the witness of the men and women who have gone before us in the cause of freedom. Some have been warriors on the field of battle and others may have worked behind the scenes giving strength and sustenance to all as it was needed.

We were founded as a nation upon an idea of freedom that may seem strange to some because they do not truly understand what it can mean. Abraham Lincoln once said: “Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves; and under a just God, cannot long retain it.”

You see that is the key of freedom, the justness of a Creator God who looks at this world as the fulfillment of His love. He wanted His creation to come before Him and love and care for others. Yet, we as a people become confused and sometimes find ourselves deeply in war just like today. We create new words such as “terrorists” and “improvised explosive devices” because we cannot find words that will describe the fear and pain we find in the darkness of days shattered with pain and suffering of such depths.

I once read a wonderful statement of trust: “And I said to a man who stood at the door of the year, ‘Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.’ And he replied, ‘Go out into the darkness, and put your hand into the hand of God. That will be to you better than a light, and safer than a known way.’”

That is the answer to our lives today. Putting our hand in God’s and knowing that His guidance will bring us to a new understanding of freedom. You see, there are two freedoms: The false, where we are free to do what we like, and the true, where we are free to do what we ought.

O God of the nation, come into our hearts this hour and give us strength. Let these prayers for our soldiers in harm’s way bring calmness to their hearts so they can begin to see what the cost of freedom can be. Give those of us who live in this great nation an assurance that Your Holy presence is truly guiding this land to a place where our children will love and care for all Your children everywhere. We know this is possible because Your Son came and told us that the light of the Kingdom is seen in the children. O God, bless the children. Give them Your freedom. We pray this in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

This has been Rev. Jim Massey. Join me next week for another Mid-week Epistle.

A Joke To Share

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA Page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation System to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Democrat Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing was required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.