The Deeper Me

I have always known I was different. Maybe a bit more guarded. I am a complicated person. I build walls around my heart and myself to avoid getting hurt....again. I think differently. I feel deeply about everything. I wear all my emotions right out for people to see, but I never tell people the real things about me. The deeper things. The things that would allow them to hurt me.

My mama used to tell me, "Sabrina Lynn, You wear your heart on your sleeve like a badge for the whole world to see. But when you stick your heart out there; where people can touch and feel it, its bound to get broken." These days, I watch my son do the same thing. The physical pain of watching him risk his heart....it brings me to my knees. Now, I know how she felt. How it was watching your child so different from everyone else, go into the world.

Everytime I have ever had my IQ tested, the lowest I tested was 142. Amazing since I have a reading disability. But I never failed English. Not once in my life. I would get on papers everytime A for Content and a D or F for spelling and grammer. Mrs. Burke, My 12th grade english teacher and my American Novel teacher, told me one time..."You have such creative ideas, pet. Now if you could just learn to spell them correctly." I can read the same passage as everyone else and find 10 things in it that everyone else missed. My whole life, I have never really had to try hard to do well. But it is like my brain never shuts off. And when I am not learning actively, I go into emotional overload.

My biggest fault and the best thing about me, I always think I am right. Always. And I never change my position even when I am wrong. When I stand up for people though, I do the same thing. I never turn my back on someone.

I have a theory about life. IF you go into the world and look for the bad in people...you will ALWAYS find it. But by the same token. If you go into the world and seek out the good in people...you will ALWAYS find it. We see in people what we want to see. Not what is really there. Because if we are honest with ourselves, every person is both good and bad. Which do you want to focus on?

I do not have a lot of friends. Well, that is not excatly true. Every friend I have made in my life...was the lifetime type of friend. Meaning, I can go months or years without seeing them. But when I do talk to them...it is as though we were never apart.

Mr Bennet, my 8th grade english teacher taught me what the defintion of a friend is. He said, "A friend is when you love someone, care about them, wish only good things for them. And then if you go away for 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years...when you see them again, its as though you never left them. You still love them, care for them and wish them only good things. And in your life, you will only have 3 to 5 real friends."

Mr Bennet was wrong for me. I have lived in so many places. Most places I have lived, I had at least one of those friends. In college, I had several all at once.

I guess what I should say is, I am not like most females. Females as a whole, do not like to be told the honest truth. They seek out the truth, but would rather not know. I tend to tell people what I really think without sugar coating it. Maybe that is why in my life, I have had more male friends then female friends. Many more male friends then female friends.

My husband laughs. Last night, we had this long discussion on being alone in the world. Since my mom died, 5 years ago this year, I have been alone. I have stopped letting people get close enough to hurt me. Brian lucked out. I knew him before my mom died. And he was already my best friend before that happened. But unconciously, I stopped making those "best friends" at that point in my life. I am involved in all these types of organizations IRL, and online boards for parents, and even local boards on occassion...but I stopped letting people get to that deeper me. So, I stopped making that one very best friend whereever I went. And now, I barely have acquantances. But I just do not know how to open my heart back up and let people in.

I have always been a fairly active person. I tend to not just join in, but take over. Again, that is part of my personality. I am a driven person. Sometimes, I feel like there are so many mask to hide behind. I just get lost in the going from one to the next. Lately, I just feel like I never get to be just me. And the more I search for "just me", the further I get from happiness. Existing in a numb state is so much easier, then forcing yourself to deal with 1000 emotions at once. Do not get me wrong. They are not all bad emotions. But it is overwhelming none the less.

It is easier, just to be a mom. Just to be a wife. It is easier for others to see that me, rather then seek out who I really am. If only I could figure out a way to be me, without showing the world who I really am with all the emotions that go with it.