Being a daughter without a Mother

Its funny. Not in a ha ha kind of way. But in an Ironic kind of way. This august, my mom will have been dead for 10 years. 10 years that seems almost like a lifetime. Its just alittle under 1/3 of my life. 10/32nds. I miss her.

Maybe it is just because my birthday is coming up. My birthday is always hard without her. But, she has been on my mind a lot this week. Little things that remind me of her. Little things that touch me and make me remember her.

Today, I was on a board I post on. And they asked what question describes you. Well, That is easy. Slow dancing with the Moon by Dolly Parton. That song is so me. Its actually a little scary. But the thing is, As I was copying the the lyrics...Another song caught my eye. It is the song that reminds me of her.

Eagle When She Flies

She's been there, god knows, she's been there
She has seen and done it all
She's a woman, she know how to
Dish it out or take it all
Her heart's as soft as feathers
Still she weathers stormy skies
And she's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies

A kaleidoscope of colors
You can toss her around and round
You can keep her in you vision
But you'll never keep her down
She's a lover, she's a mother
She's a friend and she's a wife
And she's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies

Gentle as the sweet magnolia
Strong as steel, her faith and pride
She's an everlasting shoulder
She's the leaning post of life
She hurts deep and when she weeps
She's just as fragile as a child
And she's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies

She's a sparrow when she's broken
But she's an eagle when she flies
Oh, bless her, lord
She's an eagle when she flies

I can not believe she would be 50 now. She will forever be frozen in my mind at 41. The last week, I have been having some anxiety attacks. At least, they cant find any other cause. I do not want to die at 41. I want to live to see my children grow into adults and have children. I do not want to miss my grandchildren's births. I do not want to miss my children's weddings. I want to be there. I do not want them to hurt the way I have hurt.

I wish I had her just to talk to sometimes. I am sure after I get past my birthday it will go back to a dull pain instead of searing tear your heart out and do a dance on it pain. Too bad, birthdays happen every year.