The kids have been sick going on like the third week. It is not really that my kids get sick more then other kids...its just....by the time I get one better.....another one is sick. So, I am in this continueal cycle right now of caring for sick children. If this flu bug does not leave my house soon, I am going to have a nervous breakdown.
And when one child is better, since they spent the whole time sick asleep in my arms...they now feel the need to touch me constantly. Only problem is, the next sick child is in my arms at this point and does not want to share me with anyone because that child is now sick. I am on the 3rd sick child by the way. The other two are now better for the most park. Minimal lingering runny noses. But In the past 3 weeks almost 19 days....I have not slept 5 hours in any one night. And I have not slept more then 3 hours straight since then. I thought this stage was over.
There is a reason most people have children in thier early 20's. As I get older, this is a lot harder to function on such minimal sleep. And although I am so tired, I can not sleep. I am overtired.
I am a little worried too. I have a younger sister that I love more then anything in this world. We did not have much of anything growing up, but we always had each other. For a while, right before our mom died...we had drifted apart. And then when mom died...it tore us apart even more. The last few years we have been trying to rebuild what was lost. And now, we are each others best friend. Today, we spent an hour and a half on the phone. Just talking.
I wish I could just tell her what I wish for her. But you know, I learned a long time ago that with younger sisters, you have to wait for them to want your help. So, I just reassure her. I tell her I love her. I tell her she always has me to run to. I tell her whatever she needs, I will help.
I wish she saw in herself what I see in her. And I wish the world could see what I know is inside her. We are only 16 months apart. We have lived in many many states. Everytime we moved though, we had each other. A built in best friend. We are as different as night and day. But I believe in her and know she is a good person.
So, my birthday is in a few days. I told my husband there better be birthday cake and presents. ha ha. He keeps making jokes about having to go to several stores to buy enough candles. It is a good thing I love the man. My wish list includes one of the following; A day at the local spa-full package, a new printer-scanner-copier all in one, or a new radio with cd player for my car.
Tomorrow I think I will suggest to my husband he buys one of the cheap small cakes for my birthday. IT is big enough for the 5 of us, and that is all that will be celebrating my birthday. And since we will be having Dora Cake next week when our "baby" turns 2. Her and I's birthdays are only 5 days apart. But it is important to me that we seperate the two and she has her very own special party/day.
In fact, on the Sunday before she was born. (she was born on a monday).... My husband and I went to see The Two Towers. Then, We came home to a suprise birthday party for me. All through the movies and the party I was having contractions. That night I only slept about 1 hour. My contractions were prolonged because I always give birth sunny side up. That means head down but facing forward instead of backwards. It makes for longer drawn out pre-birthing stage. Anyway....By morning, the day after my party, I was ready to have some breakfast and head to the hospital to have my little girl. My water broke about 9:30 am. The contractions got really regular about 1. at 3 they gave me IV drugs and I went to sleep. At 4:40 I jumped out of bed and said..."ok, its time to push now." My midwife checked me and said I could birth standing up or lieing down. But she really prefered if I lied down. One push and my bueatiful baby girl was born.
God's little reminder to me how wonderful life is. I can not believe my last baby is turning 2. I do not have any babies anymore. I will never hold another new baby to my breast. I will never again feel the milk let down and the fullness subside. I will never again work through the labor and know that the pain may be intense now, but soon I will hold a new life. I will never again watch daily to see if my baby smiles at me or wonder if its just gas.
The day after my 3rd was born, I had a tubal. It was the right decision for my body because of the Rheamatoid. My Mind knows it was the ONLY choice. My heart will never be sure if it was the right choice. IT will probably always long to be a mother again. To feel once again my heart begin in piece to walk around outside my body. To feel the fear of leaving my child behind the first time. To walk behind an infant taking thier first steps with a pillow and outstretched arms...just in case they fall. To lay down with a nursing infant....and have them pull from the breast to talk to you in thier own "special language." To lay there and smile and nod and agree with whatever thier baby babble was. To see them fall asleep at the breast in the middle of the night and watch the milk they were holding in thier mouth dribble down. A look of total contentment.
As my baby leaves behind her baby ways, and has become a full on toddler...I am sad for all those days I will never see again. I am anxious for what is to come. And life is easier now with no babies. Back when she was born and we had 3 in diapers....Just thinking about it makes me shake. But now, with only 1 in diapers...and she almost ready to potty train....I guess I am a little sad for those days we will not ever see again.
Of all the things I have done in my life, being a mother is the thing I am most proud of. I love my children so much. They are my whole life. I do not have to stay home with them, I just could not imagine tearing myself away from them to go to work one minute. I can not imagine missing one minute of thier lives.
I have this rule. Everyday, I hug and/or kiss my kids 100 times each. EVERYDAY! And I have done it since they were born. We spend a lot of time hugging and giving kisses in this house. But when I fall into bed exhausted at night, even if it is only to sleep 3 hours....I am so thankful everyday for those three tiny persons. I thank God everyday for them. For giving me the chance to be thier mother. I can not think what I ever did so right, to deserve to be thier mother.
My son and my oldest, oh...He is so sensitive and caring. His heart is so big and his love is so deep. He is a caring, smart, sensitive child. He wears all his emotions right out for you touch, but the love he gives. Wow. So deep and it runs so very true. His love is not like a river, it is more like an ocean. Sometimes it just washes over you. He is more sensitive to others feelings, then most adults I have met in my life. He has such an artistic talent and is so creative.
My oldest daughter and our middle child. I admire her so much. She is strong, smart, indepedent, self assured, happy all the time, and extremly easy going. Nothing gets her down. She is confident enough in her self, that she never follows the crowd. She has no problem carving her own path, when none exist. I admire the strength I see in her. And yet, it would tear her heart apart to think she ever hurt anyone.
My youngest daughter, the baby of the family, is our lovebug. She wants to make everyone better. She is a mediator and a hugger. She is extremly stubborn. I am not sure if its because she is the baby and has to be to get her way once in a while or because it is just her personality. She stands up for herself. She does not let her brother and sister bully her around. Yet, she is always quick to laugh. When one of her siblings crys, she is the first one to kiss it better. And although she always has her brother and sister, she is so content to just be alone and play by herself.
What mother could ask for more then what I have? When my heart starts to want, I ask myself that often. I really already have more then any person deserves. People stop me in stores to tell me how well my children behave. They stop me in church to compliment me on how confident they are and how well they pay attention. I have a hard time believing it is anything I have done though. They just truely are amazing individuals. I know in my heart one day, they are going to be adults I admire.
I am so lucky. Our children btw...oldest to youngest is 3 years and 2 months apart. They are 17 months between 1 and 2 and 21 months between 2 and 3. My sister joked this morning...Dang...shouldn't you guys be having another kid about now? (big sighs here) Nope. No more babies for us.
***Just a small remembrance here too....to my 3 children who never got to breathe the air of the earth on thier own. I will forever love all 6 of my children. You will always be in my heart.
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