Thoughts on the day....

I realized today that summer is 1/2 over for my kids. Soon, 2 of them will be in school full time. God I hate it. I can not find thier birth certificates. Before we moved, I put them away some place so I could find them. Now, I can't find them. Please just kick me for fun. Please. I have to find them.


My heart hurts a little...the summer is going to be over and what did we do this summer? Nothing. Survived....barely. It has been so stressful. I told Brian I was gonna take the kids to Micky D's for lunch and then to search out the library and what they are offering and Michaels and what they are doing for kids this summer. Maybe at least do a few activities the next month. But its just been one thing after another getting moved here. We are finally here, doing it on our own again. Brian's folks have left and wont be back until sept.

I feel like I am fighting the depression monster on my back again. The last 9 months have been one kick after another. Grandma dieing, Christmas was so hard last year, then the stress of Brian's old job as they tried to get him to quit, then him getting fired because he made too much money, then having to stay with a friend for 2 months while we got ready to move and then getting moved including Brian being gone for a month for training, and then Brian starting a new job, moving us to a new city.

The worst part of a new city is not knowing anyone else. After all this time, you would think I would be used to how lonely that can be. But it is like you never get used to it. Growing up I had Johnna. She is so tired of me calling her. I really wanted to go home this time, but it was just not in the cards. So, here we are. A new city, a new life.... trying to find a way to survive.

I asked for God's will. I have faith there is a plan in here somewhere for me. I do. I just hate not knowing what it is. Brian and I have been talking about what will I do next? Do I go back to school? I have no desire at all to be a lawyer anymore. I don't think that was every my dream to begin with, because it pretty much died when mom did. A long time ago I wanted to be a preacher. I felt a real calling for it, but other's discouraged me from that path. That idea still floats in my head now and then. Maybe when we get off the path God wants us to take, He leads us back to the path we should of been on in the first place. I just don't know.

I like our new church, but because we go to the traditional service and sunday school....we do not meet the people that go there our age. And there are a ton of them. But like I said, we do not meet them....except in the extra stuff which is all on break at this time for summer. I love our sunday school class, it is an actual bible study class....and it is discussion.

I just feel so confused about life in general right now. I hate it. I like direction. I wish I had someone here I could really talk to too. Brian is so stressed out, I hate putting anything else on him. I have been sick with the cramping like I had in oct...but like I said, since they did the ultrasound and test...well...it has been a really bad 9 months. Maybe I just seriously need a good long nap. Think I can convince the kids to let me sleep for I dont know...a month? Of course, then I will miss the last weeks I have with the big two before they are gone to spend all day in school...argh life is hard.