Dreams of the Future

When I was 15 I knew excatly what I wanted out of life. I knew where I was going and how I was going to get there. By the time I was 20, I was working towards that goal and finding it harder then I planned. By 25, my mom had died and I was derailed permanently from those once attainable goals. By 30, I had dreams but was lacking in the goal department.

In 2 and a half months, I will be 32 years old. I have never had a real job....let alone a carreer. Instead, I am a mother. My life has been currently put on hold while my children grow to the point of being able to walk, not alone in the world, but can at least drift from my side from time to time. They will always need me. Losing my own mother proved to me just how much children always need thier mothers. But they will not always need me as much as they do right now.

I often wonder where that leads me. I was basically pre-law in college. I was a history and political science double major with a minor in sociology. Isn't that a mouthful? I hate memorizing dates, but the ways that people lived and adjusted to the times in which they lived always fascinated me. The social impacts of politics on the society fascinate me as well. I could write a whole book on this election alone.

I am afraid though I could not be unbias in my observations. I worked a phone bank in 9th grade for Mondale. I worked on Clinton's campaign in college, not once but twice. I voted for Gore, but I did not think Bush cheated to win the 2000 election. This election I voted for Bush and changed from a democrat to an independent.

I learned a few important things about myself and my future this election. I learned that although there was a time in my life, I felt overwhelmed by the corruption in our government. Disillusioned maybe is a better term....I still love politics. I get excited by the race. I get excited by the people and their reactions and thier feelings and thier thoughts. The social impact of our election really interest me.

I do not agree that we are living in a fascist nation. I read that on a debate forum tonight. I actually find it very laughable. People who are planning a mass exit to Canada confuse me, Honestly. After studying history and politics, I know that our government has such a great system of checks and balances. We are not looking at a dictator anytime in the near future.

9/11 changed my life. Someone I loved was in the pentagon when it was hit. I grew up with 2 cousins that were basically raised in part by my mother. They were like my brother and my sister. My brother was in the pentagon that day. Three months prior to that fateful day, he had finally gotten transferred. It was close to home. He was near Andrews and would get medical treatment for his persian gulf syndrome he suffered from since the first Iraq war. His wife is also military. He was finally safe...or so we thought. At that time I was living 2000 miles away and every time I tried to call family that day to find out if he was ok, I got the same message. "All lines to the East coast are currently busy." That day he walked 20 miles before he could find a phone to call his wife. It was that night before I found out he was alive. I sat and cried all day waiting. Not knowing if he was alive or dead. The ways he tortured me as a child. The ways he took care of me being 6 years older then me. When I got the phone call he was alive, I cried harder. It meant if my loved one was safe, somebody else was still waiting and would not recieve that call. The guilt was overwhelming.

But it also affected my dreams. I had spent so much time "lost" in what I wanted to do in life. I decided that day I needed to refind a dream. A dream I could hold on to and not let go of. A goal to shoot for.

At that time, we only had 2 children. Our daughter was 4 months old and our son was not yet 2. I remember thinking that day, this was not the future I wanted for my children. I never planned for thier future to be filled with such hate and fear and well, terror. One of my dreams is to help the future for my children to be as safe as what we thought we were before 9/11. We didnt give up our dream of a 3rd child despite the complications in our own personal life caused by 9/11. My husband works in the hotel industry. It has not been an easy life post-9/11.

One of my dreams now is that my husband will oneday own his own hotel. I want that dream for him. He loves his job. He works so hard. And he such an amazing bussiness person. He deserves that dream. Hopefully, one day he will get it.

I also have dreams for my children. They are each so unique. But the dreams for them are simple dreams. That they will always feel loved. That they will always try to reach for thier own dreams. That they will always know I support thier choices. My dream for each of my children is that they will be happy in life. If I could gift wrap it up and hand it to them, life would be simple. Unfortantly, it does not work that way.

Its so easy to define my dreams for others, but the dreams I have for myself seem lost. I am still searching. Maybe one day I will end up working in politics in some way. The dream I held over 15 years ago of being a United States Senator is not really in my grasp anymore. But Dreams change and grow.

I have realized something else. I found a special dream along the way in this path I got lost onto. I love being a mother. It fills me up in a way nothing in my life ever has. It moves me and holds me and makes me want to get up each morning. It is not always easy, but oh the joy my 3 children bring.

Our youngest today did something for the first time. She is 21 months old, tomorrow. She had put on a Santa had and was for the first time saying "Ho, Ho, Ho." It made me laugh right out loud. Kids are like that. They always do something that just changes every feeling you were feeling. You can be frustrated or stressed out...and the laughter of a child will change you. It will lift you high and change the sky from black to pink. children truely are a blessing.

Right now, I am content with being a mother. The other dreams....I have plenty of time to make.

I do have one more dream. I will not be having anymore babies. I had a tubal done after my last child because I have Rheamatoid Arthritis. But I hope to one day adopt an older child or a special needs child. But I want to give my first children a few years to grow first. If this dream is meant to be, I know God will guide me to them.

• 
  

"People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them". - Leo J. Burke
"If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma." - Theresa Bloomingdale
"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." - James Baldwin
"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it." - Harold Hulbert
"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." - Frederick Douglas
"A mother's children are portraits of herself." - Author unknown
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on." - Carl Sandburg
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone

Brianna at Three

Your laugh is infectous,
Your smile so true.
Your eyes dance with wonder,
And your love so open.
So independent, and yet unsure...
Of your own mind
And never of mine.
Finding the beauty...
in everyday.
Reaching for yourself
Still unsure of finding One.
Days you look sad,
Others your happiness radiates.
So in my heart...
one I admire.
Eyes so brown, face so young.
Opening your heart to everyone.
Color, Singing, Finding your way.
Leading, Teaching, one day...
realizing your dreams.
Everything within your reach.
-by s.l.thomas