Hard Anniversarys

Written 12/4 but not published until 12/19

This blog came about as a response to my own need to deal with a hard anniversary. A week ago yesterday was 11 years since I was raped. That part of my life was hard. The deep depression I sank into. It took a long time to climb out of that hole. Instead of being the mule stepping up on the dirt thrown into the hole, I was letting it bury me alive.

I was raped by someone I knew. Not only someone I knew....But someone I dated. Rob was different then the other guys I dated. For the most part I dated two types of men. Geeks like me or Military types. Sometimes a good combo of the two. Rob was not either of those. He was different. He enjoyed things that were different from the norm of most people I knew.

He had a stepfather who hated him and a mother who sided with his stepfather. When he got kicked out of college for being online all day, he moved home to thier house. My mom said he could come "live with them" until he found a job and a place to live. He never looked for a job after he got there. And although things were starting to bother me, it was not until I was home the weekend before thanksgiving that it came to a breaking point. I was standing in my moms kitchen doing dishes and he came up behind me. He took my arm and shoved it up behind my back and told me if I ever cheated on him, he would kill me. That was the wacko factor. I went back to college that same day and made the decision this guy had to get out of my life.

By the time I returned back home on wednesday before thanksgiving, I had decided to break up with him. I was also extremly sick. At the time I thought I just had a bad case of broncititis. It turned out to be Pneumonia. I had no voice, was running high fevers, etc. I broke up with him that night and basically went to sleep and slept for 2 days. On friday night I woke up and he was on top of me. I could not scream because I had no voice and I was scared. This is the same man who less then a week ago had threathened to kill me. I kept trying to say no and I was crying and he kept saying "This will make you love me again." That was the Ironic part of it all. He honestly believed that by forcing me against my will to have sex with him, That I would love him again.

Everything after that seems like a blur except.... I do remember one fact he "shared" with me during this "event". The ex-fiance that was killed? She ran out in front of a car, while he was chasing her. They had a fight, she was scared of him and took off. Ran right in front of a car and died before the ambulance ever got there.

The next time I woke up it was the next day. I could not tell my mom or my sister. It was like a horrible mistake, I had made bringing this person into our lives in the first place. The guilt was overwhelming. I remember waking up the next night and he was there again. But this time, I pretended to be asleep. He was not on top of me just...touching me while he took care of himself. Just saying that I feel like I need a shower. But I thought if I pretended to be asleep, he would finish what he was doing and just leave me alone. I got up after he went to sleep. As soon as the sun came up I had my mom take me back to school...she had worked the night before and was coming home right then.

I do not think I slept again for 3 months. March 3rd...I had just not slept in so long. I was so scared to go to sleep. That was the day I took a hand full of pills to make the pain stop. Eventually, it did make the pain stop, but only because it forced me to get help. I look back now on that time in my life and its like watching a movie of it happening to someone else. When I took those pills....I refused treatment. Brian was on one line saying "... get your butt to the hospital now." And Mike on the other saying "Its ok, you dont have to go. Just talk to me." and then eventualy Mike said "Ok. Its time to go to the hospital now." I went. I drank the black stuff. Did my time. Got out and got on with my life.

This is a poem I wrote back then. Honestly, It is probably one of my best ever. But I just cant remember feeling that bad now. It is like a whole other life. One I am not part of. Or maybe one that I do not let be part of my life as it is now. God's great irony. Brian and I's Youngest Child was born 9 years to the day I overdosed. I believe it was a message for me that life goes on.

explaining in confusion the beast

where to search, i wonder why
hurting so bad, dreaming to die
I hide the beast, store away
push him down for another day
show a smile, hurt to hide
no one to share with, to confide
understanding beyond the being
look at me, without even seeing
i cry, i smile, but its not me
discovering the depth is the key
no one to look, to understand
i search across the haunted land
everyone is, whatever they are
in mind, close or very far
the hurt i feel and tears i cry
the smiles of pain, telling a lie
i open my heart, show the pain
all the trying, i do in vain
the bullets i feel, rock my skin
hurt so thick, and being so thin
where is my opening, my place
not my heart but show the face
hide the beast, walking away
sharing feelings does not pay
always trying to give a hand
here is time, passing of sand
reaching out to help a friend
nearer and nearer, looking for end.
try to take, death to ponder
my heart is lost, always wander
hiding the fear, show the lie
close my eyes, reach for the sky.
touch the clouds, put on aa smile
yet, feel the hurt, all the while.
here comes the beast, run and see
its the pain, not really me.
walk away, i wont give you fear
walk away, do not stay too near,
i only hurt and ruin lives
nothing inside is a prize.
only hurt and very strange
my life to fix, to arrange.
so take hold myself, reach out
oh my god, here comes the pout.
run hurry, run, run away
the beast is here, to reign, to stay
he growls, he hurts, he raptures me.
its not me anymore, im dead you see.
no more, no nothing, nothing to feel
im numb, im gone, nothing for a deal
nothing to give, but hurt and pain.
hide the depression, make me sane.
s.l.thomas