My Son's 5th Birthday

Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life.
- Maureen Hawkins


My son's birthday is coming up at the end of next week. He was very much wanted. I had 3 late first trimester miscarriages before I got pregnant with him. And although I saw thier hearts beat, my babies died at 11.5 weeks and 13 weeks into my pregnancy.

It was not an easy pregnancy. In October of that year, my grandmother died. Because I was living 2,000 miles away from home and I was high risk, I was unable to go home for the funeral. I have an auto-immune disorder and my pregnancy was more difficult because of it. I took baby aspirian to thin out my blood. Shortly after my grandmothers death I was put on bedrest because I was having contractions.

My due date was Christmas Eve. To me, that was a sign from God that my son would be ok. Jake was a christmas gift to me from God. I believe that with all my heart.

I was having contractions but they were not close. The doctor felt that after 3 weeks of the contractions going strong and giving out, it was time to help them a long. My husband and I were to be at the hospital at 1 and I was to have had lunch first. We went to What-a-burger across the street from the hospital for lunch. Then we went in and they started the pitocin.

At about 6, The women in the room next to me was birthing her baby. I heard her scream "Get this baby out of me, " and decided it was time for the epidural. The contractions were getting stronger and I was ready for a little pain relief. Also, at that time "Its an Incredible life" came on TV.

We watched the movie as I worked through the last few hours of the contractions. At about 7:30 they checked me and gave me the epidural. I was only at 6. At 8, the movie ended. I announced to my husband it was time to go get the nurse because it was time to push. The nurse came in and said , "now , honey we just checked you." And when she checked she said, "Do NOT push. I have to call the doctor now. Do not push until I get back." My doctor walked into my room 5 mins later putting on his gloves.

He said, " I can see his head and its time to push." As I started the first push I was told to stop pushing. The cord was wrapped around my little babys neck. They untangled the cord and Jake slid the rest of the way out on his own. He was born Sunny side up. Its commen for the cord to become tangled around thier neck when they are born this way. Instead of coming into the world facing the floor, he was facing the cieling. He wanted to see everything going on.

He nursed with in the first 15 mins of life. With in the first hour he had peed on two nurses, nursed for over 30 mins and been held by his grandmother, his great-grandmother, myself and most importantly the man who matters the most in his life...His dad.

I will never forget the look on my husbands face. It was so mixed with love, and fear, and responsbility. From that moment, he was a changed person. He found more stress in his life, but also more joy. Jake still amazes him because Brian see's only good in him. Brian thinks Jake is amazing. I agree with him.

Life with Jake has not been easy. By the time he was 8 months old he was walking. And although he did all the milestones early....he slept little. He wanted held constantly, but you could not crowd his space. While other babies love the "white noise," It caused near meltdowns for Jake. Simple things like the Vaccuum were impossible. And as long as you held him and moved constantly, he was ok. But lay him down and life was not so grand.

Our lives got easier as he got older. Not because he changed, but because we changed. We got some sleep by bringing him into our bed to sleep with us. He nursed until he was 16 months old and was a very greedy nurser. He wanted held a lot, so the front pack became part of my everyday clothes. By adjusting my life to him, we found harmony.

When he became a brother at 17 months old, he was in love. With the great sensitivity to everything, comes great compassion in our little man. I do not have one picture of Brianna as a baby that Jake is not in her face kissing her. He was never jealous, but his problem was he loved her too much. That compassion has only grown as he has become older. He worrys about other people and how they will feel. He loves to give and loves to care for. He would give away his toy if it would make someone else happy. I love that side of my son.

Jake's heart is easily broken. In that way, he is much like me. My mom used to tell me..."you wear your heart on your sleeve like a badge for the world to see. But when you put it out there where people can touch it, its bound to get broken." That too is my Jake. I now know how hard it was for my mom to watch me walk through the world like that. It terrifys me to watch my son do the same thing.

Jake is an artist in the making. Not only is he sensitive and caring, but he has to have creative outlets for his emotions and his energy. He amazes me with the pictures he draws and the items he paints.

Our life is not easy with Jake being Jake, But I would not change it for anything. He does not function well in lots of activity. But he has such an "old soul." I believe that God sent Jake to us, to teach us. I know I learn more from him, then I will ever be able to teach him.

Jake has SI Dysfunction. He is hyper sensitive to stimuli. Expecially noises and touch. Lights and activity also to a lesser degree. My son has never been one to have his space invaded. He has a little wall around himself and you can not "invade" that space. But yet he is the most loving person I have ever met. His love is not shown always in hugs and kisses, but it is in the actions he takes. Helping his great-grandmother walk by leading her by the hand and clearing even the smallest stone from her path.

Next year my son will go to school. I have to tell you, I am terrified. I know I will always have to be his advocate. He is so scared of everything. Its hard to function in a world when you do not even like people to touch you. I pray everyday I have given him the skills he needs to go into the world on his own and stand strong. That is the greatest gift I can give him besides my love. The ability to function in this world without me there beside him.

My hopes for my son are that he will grow up to be happy. That every dream he strives for in his life will be possible if he works hard enough. That he will always know love and be able to give it in return. And most importantly, That he will always know that God is with him and loves him.

To Jake, On his almost 5th birthday. I love you with all my heart. My angel, My christms gift from God.